What to wear on Spring Weekend: A tank roundup

Tanks and dranksSleeves are for losers! You’ll be missing out on all of the fun if you don’t get yourself a bro tank. They’re unisex, machine washable and here to stay, so here are some guidelines for navigating the clusterfuck of Facebook invites from your friends and the randoms that are trying to tell you how to dress this month.

Important aside: In order for tanks to be printed by most websites, a predetermined number of people have to place their orders before a specific deadline. If the tanks don’t hit their goal, they won’t be printed and your credit card won’t get charged – but you also won’t get a tank, so keep track of the status of the ones you’ve ordered.

The line-up:  (Some of these campaigns have already expired, and of course we couldn’t catalogue them all, but here are some of the big players you’ll be seeing on campus)

Drunkest Kitty — Get ready for their ferocious feline appearance in April. That kitten is cute and drunk–two adjectives that we would love to be synonymous but with humans almost never are.

Ya Bish, Bish Don’t Kill My Vibe, Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe  — Have we mentioned that we’re excited to have Kendrick Lamar here on 4/20? You might want to opt for the non-explicit tanks if you’re friends with your grandma on Facebook.

Bruno Drank — Speaking of Kendrick, Stand up, drank. This tank is a must, because you know that our bear statue is going to be getting his drank on.

Suns Out Guns Out — Props to the coordinators of this tank for quoting Game of Thrones in their Facebook event–even though you haven’t convinced us that winter is no longer coming. These bro tanks have a bro-ed out Brown crest on the back and an aggressive bear face, so you know that you want one. Also these tanks are the closest thing to wife beaters that you can get while still rocking that American Apparel lifestyle.

Straight Boy Crush — See Blog’s date with Nick Vitrano here. Enough said–these tanks are winners.

The Real Spring Weekend Tanks — Can the real Slim Shady please…what? You mean we don’t have Eminem this year? Bummer–but you should still check out these artist specific tanks. Bonus: for those of you that don’t trust websites with your mom’s your credit card number, these tanks are purchased in person via cash.

#WhiteGirlWasted — These tanks just get me. A likely uniform for #WhiteGirlHangovers the next morning.

 GLT (Get Lifted Tonight) — Look like you are actually in the know with electronic music–and no, the Flo-Rida rip off of Cry (Just A Little) doesn’t count.

Bounce That — Speaking of knowing your Spring Weekend ’13 bands, show off your love for Big Freedia while supporting a good cause. All the proceeds from these tanks (which will be sold in person on campus and on Teespring) will be donated to a sexual health non-profit organization in Kenya. Also, big booty love–keep it bouncing.

Exit Smashed – This tank is hilarious; we just hope that neither Facilities nor ResLife gets offended. On the bright side, destroying this tank is an excellent alternative to breaking exit signs!

Sexy Can I and This Is What A Feminist Looks Like – if you’re a feminist or you want to impress one at Spring Weekend, these are the tanks for you. These are the younger sisters of the famed pink “consensual sex is hot” tank (which is also a totally acceptable option for your spring weekend wardrobe).

Red Equal Sign – Now you can be really meta and have your tank match your profile picture. Support Love!

Too Queer For Beer – Protest heteronormativity and Natty Light at the same time! The phes of Brown have spoken–we want acceptance and tequila. At least one of those things comes in a shot glass (bonus points if you can create a mixed drink involving both tequila and whatever term is the opposite of heteronormativity).

Trust Me I’m Close To Becoming A Doctor – Now all the pre-med thugs can brag about how they survived Orgo, and all the PLMEs in the house can brag about how they took it S/NC. Just remember, people wearing these tanks DO NOT qualify as EMS. Don’t expect them to save you from alcohol-induced nightmares.

Creative Alternatives:

Make a unique tank with your friends–so many memories! Just make sure that your friends are actually down to pay before you order them; last year there were some people with a large surplus of YOLO tanks but nobody to YOLO with (you may only live once, but you get four years of spring weekend–so don’t blow all your money the first year).

Draw on a wife-beater — Want to get fancy? Get some sharpies and draw on a white Hanes tanktop. American Apparel has enough money already anyways… Fight the man!

P.S. – Probably time to start hitting the gym to tone those upper arms–just a thought.

14 Comments

  1. Rob Bentlyewski

    Hey fellas, ya’ll missed one.

    http://teespring.com/trickydick

  2. Mary Alice

    Um, can we just talk about how screwed up the White Girl Wasted tanks are? I’m white, I’m a girl, and I can tell you that even though I get wasted I don’t want some pseudo-rapist, wasted douchebag to just “Dive In” (featured on the back of the tank). Is this really the kind of dialogue that is supported on brown’s campus? #pussyruneverything

  3. Um, can we just talk about how screwed up the White Girl Wasted tanks are? I’m white, I’m a girl, and I can tell you that even though I get wasted I don’t want some pseudo-rapist, wasted douchebag to just “Dive In” (featured on the back of the tank). Is this really the kind of dialogue that is 1. supported on brown’s campu and 2. by the BDH? #pussyruneverything

  4. Jess

    @Mary, “Dive In” refers a lyric in the Kendrick Lamar song “Swimming Pools” (the same song from which the “Stand up drank” text on the front of the shirt is taken). They’re talking about diving into a pool full of liquor. The song has nothing to do with female bodily autonomy.

  5. allie

    this article has everything to do with bodily autonomy, the erasure of some bodies, the upholding of other bodies—to dismiss a critique of the heteronormative, patriarchal privilege pervading this piece as simply missing the song reference simply demonstrates your privilege. i’m not sure how exactly you’re divorcing the song from the problematics mary alice is bringing to the table. thousands of perpetrators of rape “capitalize” on “vibes” they “think” they may be feeling and the “freedom” this “clarity” affords them. i cannot accept your context. it is part of rape culture (truly a “parental” one, truly a horrible legacy) and i’m not going to stop talking about it. (re these lyrics: “I think that I’m feeling the vibe / I see the love in her eyes, I see the feeling / The freedom is granted as soon as the damage of vodka arrived / This how you capitalize/ This is parental advice.”)

    mary alice’s comment is a small start. it would appear that in an effort at “cuteness” or some sort of adherence to tongue-in-cheek-isn’t-this-thing-we’re-doing-here-just-playful-and-fun-and-about-fashion-and-not-tied-to-larger-systemic-problems style blog vernacular, you are condoning a whole slew of problematic bullshit.

    “You’ll be missing out on all of the fun if you don’t get yourself a bro tank. They’re unisex, machine washable and here to stay…” what fun, exactly, will i be missing out on if i don’t support the capital machine that fuels these systems of power?

    the machine is regrettably here to stay and needs washing.

    please do not use *unisex, bro, phe, heteronormativity, and some lazy idea that the red equals signs populating facebook support love (simply, only) and not marriage as a privileged institution that champions the rights of a few* in the same article. to borrow from that cute, cultural vernacular: you’re doing it wrong.

    if this article is about how to be an unthinking capitalist, perhaps you’re on to something. but it might be wise to rethink how careless asides about mommy’s bank account, pre-med thugs, fighting the man, white girls, bishes, the incredible facilities staff / service sector generally whose members clean up after your entitlement, and phes who celebrate themselves by paying money to publicly shit all over any self-regarding resistance to violent hegemony are going to register.

    i understand i’m not your audience, but this is wildly upsetting. i understand also that this response has its own gaps, its own blind spots that relate to my place as a most-time-beneficiary of my cultural privilege. i am thankful to mary alice for bringing this article to my attention. i hope the conversation continues.

    p.s. i’m gonna pass on toning up my arms at the gym—all bodies are beautiful and i don’t like your tone.

    p.p.s. as with your article and some of its commentators, this text box has trouble recognizing the term “heteronormative.”

  6. allie

    are you not posting my comment because of foul language? here’s an edit:

    this article has everything to do with bodily autonomy, the erasure of some bodies, the upholding of other bodies—to dismiss a critique of the heteronormative, patriarchal privilege pervading this piece as simply missing the song reference simply demonstrates your privilege. i’m not sure how exactly you’re divorcing the song from the problematics mary alice is bringing to the table. thousands of perpetrators of rape “capitalize” on “vibes” they “think” they may be feeling and the “freedom” this “clarity” affords them. i cannot accept your context. it is part of rape culture (truly a “parental” one, truly a horrible legacy) and i’m not going to stop talking about it. (re these lyrics: “I think that I’m feeling the vibe / I see the love in her eyes, I see the feeling / The freedom is granted as soon as the damage of vodka arrived / This how you capitalize/ This is parental advice.”)

    mary alice’s comment is a small start. it would appear that in an effort at “cuteness” or some sort of adherence to tongue-in-cheek-isn’t-this-thing-we’re-doing-here-just-playful-and-fun-and-about-fashion-and-not-tied-to-larger-systemic-problems style blog vernacular, you are condoning a whole slew of problematic ideology.

    “You’ll be missing out on all of the fun if you don’t get yourself a bro tank. They’re unisex, machine washable and here to stay…” what fun, exactly, will i be missing out on if i don’t support the capital machine that fuels these systems of power?

    the machine is regrettably here to stay and needs washing.

    please do not use *unisex, bro, phe, heteronormativity, and some lazy idea that the red equals signs populating facebook support love (simply, only) and not marriage as a privileged institution that champions the rights of a few* in the same article. to borrow from that cute, cultural vernacular: you’re doing it wrong.

    if this article is about how to be an unthinking capitalist, perhaps you’re on to something. but it might be wise to rethink how careless asides about mommy’s bank account, pre-med thugs, fighting the man, white girls, bishes, the incredible facilities staff / service sector generally whose members clean up after your entitlement, and these mysterious phes who would somehow celebrate themselves by paying money to publicly mock any self-regarding resistance to violent hegemony are going to register.

    i understand i’m not your audience, but this is wildly upsetting. i understand also that this response has its own gaps, its own blind spots that relate to my place as a most-time-beneficiary of my cultural privilege. i am thankful to mary alice for bringing this article to my attention. i hope the conversation continues.

    p.s. i’m gonna pass on toning up my arms at the gym—all bodies are beautiful and i don’t like your tone.

    p.p.s. as with your article and some of its commentators, this text box has trouble recognizing the term “heteronormative.”

  7. Michael

    There’s these too. Lemme know if y’all are interested.
    http://i.imgur.com/RcijKOr.png

  8. Justine

    Michael I really like the Dalai Lama tank! Are you still selling them? How do I contact you?

  9. “Black and Third World people are expected to educate white people as to our humanity. Women are expected to educate men. Lesbians and gay men are expected to educate the heterosexual world. The oppressors maintain their position and evade their responsibility for their own actions…”

    A lovely little Audre Lorde-ism that explains why “allie” and mary alice rule, but shouldn’t feel obligated to get on BlogDH for a takedown of this shitty, misogynistic bro-drawl. Also, SW is a community event, not an opportunity for the Greek scene to sublimate all its pathologies at once.

Leave a Reply