Sleeves are for losers! You’ll be missing out on all of the fun if you don’t get yourself a bro tank. They’re unisex, machine washable and here to stay, so here are some guidelines for navigating the clusterfuck of Facebook invites from your friends and the randoms that are trying to tell you how to dress this month.
Important aside: In order for tanks to be printed by most websites, a predetermined number of people have to place their orders before a specific deadline. If the tanks don’t hit their goal, they won’t be printed and your credit card won’t get charged – but you also won’t get a tank, so keep track of the status of the ones you’ve ordered.
The line-up: (Some of these campaigns have already expired, and of course we couldn’t catalogue them all, but here are some of the big players you’ll be seeing on campus)
Drunkest Kitty — Get ready for their ferocious feline appearance in April. That kitten is cute and drunk–two adjectives that we would love to be synonymous but with humans almost never are.
Ya Bish, Bish Don’t Kill My Vibe, Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe — Have we mentioned that we’re excited to have Kendrick Lamar here on 4/20? You might want to opt for the non-explicit tanks if you’re friends with your grandma on Facebook.
Bruno Drank — Speaking of Kendrick, Stand up, drank. This tank is a must, because you know that our bear statue is going to be getting his drank on.
Suns Out Guns Out — Props to the coordinators of this tank for quoting Game of Thrones in their Facebook event–even though you haven’t convinced us that winter is no longer coming. These bro tanks have a bro-ed out Brown crest on the back and an aggressive bear face, so you know that you want one. Also these tanks are the closest thing to wife beaters that you can get while still rocking that American Apparel lifestyle.
The Real Spring Weekend Tanks — Can the real Slim Shady please…what? You mean we don’t have Eminem this year? Bummer–but you should still check out these artist specific tanks. Bonus: for those of you that don’t trust websites with your mom’s your credit card number, these tanks are purchased in person via cash.
#WhiteGirlWasted — These tanks just get me. A likely uniform for #WhiteGirlHangovers the next morning.
GLT (Get Lifted Tonight) — Look like you are actually in the know with electronic music–and no, the Flo-Rida rip off of Cry (Just A Little) doesn’t count.
Bounce That — Speaking of knowing your Spring Weekend ’13 bands, show off your love for Big Freedia while supporting a good cause. All the proceeds from these tanks (which will be sold in person on campus and on Teespring) will be donated to a sexual health non-profit organization in Kenya. Also, big booty love–keep it bouncing.
Sexy Can I and This Is What A Feminist Looks Like – if you’re a feminist or you want to impress one at Spring Weekend, these are the tanks for you. These are the younger sisters of the famed pink “consensual sex is hot” tank (which is also a totally acceptable option for your spring weekend wardrobe).
Red Equal Sign – Now you can be really meta and have your tank match your profile picture. Support Love!
Too Queer For Beer – Protest heteronormativity and Natty Light at the same time! The phes of Brown have spoken–we want acceptance and tequila. At least one of those things comes in a shot glass (bonus points if you can create a mixed drink involving both tequila and whatever term is the opposite of heteronormativity).
Trust Me I’m Close To Becoming A Doctor – Now all the pre-med thugs can brag about how they survived Orgo, and all the PLMEs in the house can brag about how they took it S/NC. Just remember, people wearing these tanks DO NOT qualify as EMS. Don’t expect them to save you from alcohol-induced nightmares.
Make a unique tank with your friends–so many memories! Just make sure that your friends are actually down to pay before you order them; last year there were some people with a large surplus of YOLO tanks but nobody to YOLO with (you may only live once, but you get four years of spring weekend–so don’t blow all your money the first year).
Draw on a wife-beater — Want to get fancy? Get some sharpies and draw on a white Hanes tanktop. American Apparel has enough money already anyways… Fight the man!
P.S. – Probably time to start hitting the gym to tone those upper arms–just a thought.