Blog bulks up: Spring tanks, big guns, and relevant workouts

Because this concert is gonna be a WORKOUT.

Because this concert is gonna be a WORKOUT.

Welcome to the 12 days of Spring Weekend. ‘Tis the season to listen to Kendrick Lamar on repeat, to follow the exploits of Furby, and to drink beer at 2 p.m. on a Wednesday. But most of all, it’s the season to wear tanks. A lot of us feel the need to get in killer shape, fast. After a long winter of bulky sweaters and heavy coats to cover up our scrawny, weak arms, some of us are slowly starting to panic about the prospect of taking off our sleeves. If this is you, never fear! Blog is here to help you get in shape, while still you keep in the Spring Weekend spirit. Check out some Spring Weekend-themed workout suggestions after the jump.

Build: In case you’re new to Spring Weekend (and of legal drinking age), I’m going to fill you in on how to prepare: buy lots of alcohol. You’re going to want to go to the nearest liquor store and buy two bottles of Karkov and be done with it, but I suggest taking a different route. Pick a far away liquor store. Really far. Think Bottles or one of those sketchy ones downtown. Buy some boxes of boxed wine or something equally weighty and walk back triumphant, carrying them over your head. Feel the burn. Love the burn. Embrace the burn. Just keep them in paper bags if you’re “of legal drinking age”—wink wink nudge nudge—because the ProPo isn’t that cool.

Burn: This is particularly important for the ladies, but men take heed as well: you can be capable of lifting a horse, but if you don’t have low body fat, no one can see your defined, killer guns. It’s time for some cardio. Challenge yourself and turn it into a Spring Weekend-themed game!* For example, every time someone pronounces Big Freedia as “Big Free-dee-ya,” do 50 jumping jacks. Every time you refresh the BSA page and it’s still not working, do 20 burpees. Every time you hear a freshman say “what’s Binder?” explain it to him/her politely and run away. No really, run half a mile, it’s good for you.

Bills: While working out should be its own reward, there’s nothing wrong with a little extra motivation. A common technique is to put money into a jar after every workout to be spent on something you really want. Why not use this as an opportunity to start a nice little fund for 4/20, since concert tickets aren’t free? And there’s nothing else you’re going to want to buy on that day. At all. Definitely just a concert ticket fund.

Truthfully, seeing results this quickly is pretty much impossible. I’d better hit the gym.

*This can be easily adapted into a different kind of game.

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2 Comments

  1. 🙁 why does the bdh continue to promote body shaming? i know this is written party in jest, but as a publication for brown students, you need to start being sensitive to things like body dysmorphia or eating disorders. plus there are plenty of us “ladies” (since this is particularly for us, i guess?) who are proud of our “neon blobs” and “toothpick arms.” PLEASE STOP shaming certain types of bodies and suggesting some pressured form of exercise as the solution. its offensive and it has absolutely NOTHING to do with spring weekend.

  2. Alternatively

    GET SWOLE. NO BODYSHAMING IN PURSUIT OF HEALTH.

    BE HEALTHY. BE SWOLE.

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