We have recently been informed that Brown’s Administration has placed sanctions on all non-ADOCH-volunteer Brown students with regard to the infamous Ice Cream Social. This year, all pre-frosh have been given special high-tech lanyards that will scan them into all ADOCH events. What’s next, the BroPo officers as robots with authorization to kill?
To avoid a dangerous campus-wide revolt, here are some options for getting your hands on ice cream of the elite:
-Seduce the volunteer nearest to you. Before he/she gets his/her clothes back on, steal the red shirt.
-Tape yourself to the back of an innocent pre-frosh.
-Dress up as a professor with intentions to ‘mingle.’
-Drop out of Brown, re-apply, get accepted, and attend the Ice Cream Social as a legitimate pre-frosh.
-Cut a hole through the tent in the back.
-Explain to the pre-frosh the simple consequences of failing to return to the room with ice cream for you.
-Stage a coup and become the new President of the University; then you can make the rules for the event.
-Call Ruth Simmons and beg.
That’s it. We don’t want to divulge all our best tactics, but best of luck to all of you in your noble attempts to get free ice cream.
The most disturbing aspect of this situation is summed up by Mean Girls:
“I mean…they [the pre-frosh] don’t even go here…”