The Host: ADOCH

Stephanie Meyer's "The Host"  was actually based on ADOCH.

Stephanie Meyer’s “The Host” was actually based on ADOCH.

You signed up to host ADOCH. You didn’t mean to do it, it just sort of slipped out–your friend, ex-lover, or obnoxious hallmate accosted you on the Main Green and how could you say no? We were all desperate and dazed pre-frosh once upon a time…

Flash forward a couple of weeks later and two overeager 17-year-olds are on your dormstep, sleeping bags in hand and gap-toothed, bracey smiles on their faces. (In my mind, most pre-frosh are in dire need of orthodontia.) It’s your responsibility to make sure the little parasites are clothed, sent to bed at a proper hour, and get out of ADOCH alive.

We all love our pre-frosh, and welcome them to Brown. It’s the best place to be. But it’s also a busy place to be, and some of us can’t help resenting the little freeloaders pre-frosh the morning after when we’re rushing to class and we trip over their young, virulent, sleeping bodies.

When I was a host, my roommate and I decided to have some fun with it. Here are some ill-advised wonderful suggestions to make your pre-frosh visit just a little more memorable…

1. Use ADOCH as an opportunity to practice your future parenting skills.

Every child needs a mommy or daddy to tuck them in at night. My roommate and I called our pre-frosh “The Children” and made sure they got into bed every night at a reasonable hour after we read to them. Unfortunately, the only literature we had on hand was our orgo textbooks, but the children seemed to sleep soundly after a twenty-minute lecture on carbonyl molecules and conjugation.

As soon as your pre-frosh bursts through the door, you should make sure to give him/her a big, jovial how was your day?! If he/she responds with a grunt or a less-than-satisfying answer, remind him/her how generous you are to be providing a roof over his/her head. If he/she comes in late, you can use these tried and true reprimands:

  • If your pre-frosh comes in late: “I was up all night eating Jo’s and watching Netflix! I was worried sick!”
  • If your pre-frosh gets drunk: “I’m very disappointed in you, I gotta to tell you. Very disappointed.”
  • If your pre-frosh expresses interest in another school. Like Harvard. (Ew.): “Why would you even say that? You’re dead to me. Dead. To. Me.”

2. If your pre-frosh asks about drugs and alcohol on-campus…

If he/she seems to be of the squeamish sort:

  • “We drink all the time. Every night, Brown students are plastered. I once saw somebody open the second floor window on Wayland and puke right on another person’s head. We get EMSed all the time. For fun.”

Alternatively:

  • “At Brown, we take a special emphasis on our studies. Alcohol is poison, and should be treated as such. Marijuana is also strictly taboo. Please never mention this to me again.”

3. Let’s talk about sex…

My freshman year, I got accosted in the bathroom by a bespectacled pre-frosh. “I’ve heard that a lot of people use drugs and have sex at Brown.” She waggled her eyebrows at me as I flossed. “Is that true?”

Brunonian spirit animal.

Brunonian spirit animal.

There was only one acceptable response to this. “We hump like bunnies.”

“Really?” She was aghast.

“Yup. Once I saw people doing it in the stall… right over there.” I pointed to one of the broken-down Keeney stalls, and the pre-frosh gasped. “Don’t worry, they were using condoms they got at Sex Week. Have I told you about Sex Week?”

Needless to say, I never saw that pre-frosh at Brown again. Sad.

4. Choosing between Brown, Harvard, and Yale? How dare you!

Why would you become a Bulldog or a patsy (Crimson) Pilgrim when you could be a BEAR? Clearly, you’re an Ivy League-sized idiot for even thinking there’s a choice. Get off my floor, bloodsucker.

No, but seriously: one of The Children rejected us in favor of MIT, and all I can say is good riddance. Try to dissuade them otherwise, but sometimes they’re just a bad pre-frosh. Alternatively…

5. Show them college at its worst.

What happens if you just really, really, really don’t like your pre-frosh? I’m all for being open, loving, and increasing Brown’s popularity. But what if he/she is so horrible, so obnoxious, so nasty that you just really don’t want him/her to come?

You should suck it up.

Alternatively, you can do what my roommate and I did: you can stage an enormous fight in front of The Children. Or maybe feed them some scrod from the Ratty. Then break down crying because your regular booty-call stopped texting you, and then proceeded to come out of the closet.

The Children came to Brown. They don’t acknowledge us when they see us on the street.

Listen: be nice to the ADOCHers. We want new freshmen. And the two days we have to deal with them? Being around them makes us feel young again. They’re the last barrier that separates us from Spring Weekend.

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