Quarter-life crisis: To scramble or not to scramble?

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In light of the recent SWUG-craze, I’ve decided to prepare the underclassmen for another senior epidemic: senior scrambling. Most fervent in the spring time, when everyone is already wearing less clothing, the scramble does not discriminate. So what exactly is it?

Senior scramble (noun): The realization in one’s senior year that graduation is impending and you have limited time to DFMO at Whiskey, get some on the 13th floor of the SciLi/roof of the OMAC, or hookup with your classmates/teammates/TAs (Professors?). As a result, you act on your hook-up impulses. It is paired with a mentality that since you are graduating, you essentially don’t give a f&*k and will hook up aggressively with anyone and everyone you deem even remotely attractive. Usually a one-night endeavor, it does not include any sort of commitment, feelings, or attachment.

Can also be used as a verb: “I’m going to scramble so hard in Jamaica.

Although this phenomenon occurs at every school, Brown students unanimously use and are aware of the term “senior scramble.” (Note: if you tell your friends from home that you scrambled, they’ll probably say, “You ate scrambled eggs last night? What? That’s weird drunk food.”) Scrambling goes back almost as far as the tradition of walking through the Van Wickle Gates. So how do you prepare yourself for the upcoming scrambling that will inevitably occur during Spring Week? You simply go with the flow and stop caring.

Any senior will tell you that as graduation nears, you are both terrified and empowered by the notion that come May, you will most likely never see most of your Brown classmates again. With this empowerment, you quit playing the “hard to get game” and stop crying that “nobody wants to date you.” You simply go out, and troll. Person over there looks cute? Just go right up to him/her. Maybe flirt, maybe just grab their face, but definitely go home with them if they offer. Because, like I said, you’re graduating and who cares?

Senior scrambling is not about finding your future spouse. It’s not even about liking the person you’re scrambling with. It is about attraction and un-attachment. Getting some for the sake of having fun. It’s about hooking up with all the people you’ve been Facebook/Brown Bears stalking for the past four years but have been too nervous to approach. It’s about getting with that guy or girl you have absolutely nothing in common with besides alcoholic tendencies and a penchant for Bagel Gourmet in the morning (side note: you do NOT eat Bagel Gourmet with them the next morning. That’s like borderline dating. What are you going to do? Talk about your feelings and life fears over an iced coffee with a potential stranger? No. Simply get a bagel for yourself—and maybe your roommates if you’re feeling happy from the conquest—on your walk of shame home.)

So embrace it, go with it, and get it in. Be proud of your walk of shame because you’re not a freshman. Scramble away, class of 2013: when else in your life will you be surrounded by so many attractive and intelligent people who also DGAF?

Disclaimer: Senior scrambling is not limited to seniors on seniors. Underclassmen beware: you could be a potential target. However, you still have an extensive amount of time left on College Hill, so if you scramble too hard, you may get yourself a bad reputation (and maybe an STD).

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