No matter how hard you study—or how hard you plan on studying (because you can always start reviewing those pesky equations after just one more GoT episode, right?)—finals are rarely a pleasant experience. For years, they have besieged poor college students and made us question our purpose in life. Alas, they are unavoidable parts of college life, like sleep-deprivation and lack of clean undergarments.
But, hold on to your knickers, because I just may have found the fail-proof formula for going into your finals feeling as confident as ever, and it doesn’t involve opening a single textbook.
1. Print out this picture of Bill Clinton in a fedora.
If you plan on frequently studying in your room, print out this picture of Bill Clinton and hang it over your work desk. If you plan on hitting the library, still print out this picture and take it wherever you may go. Keep it safe, keep it sound, and keep it close to your heart. This picture is the quintessential embodiment of cool. I mean, just look at it! Can you say GQ Man of the Year? One glance at it and you’ll feel an instant surge of badassery through your veins. Allow it to fill you with a feeling of invincibility, because if Bill Clinton in a fedora can’t inspire you, you’re a lost soul.
2. When in doubt, twerk it out.
It’s the morning of your first final, and you’re feeling groggy as hell. You’ve done all you can to prepare, yet something still doesn’t feel quite right. My diagnosis would be that you’re missing some twerking action in your life. I actually have very little expertise on this subject given my lack of “natural endowments,” but allow me to enlighten you as best as I can. While not everyone is a natural born booty-popper, joy lies in the simple attempt. There’s just something so spiritually liberating about moving them cheeks like you just don’t care. Twerking will definitely help you release some tension, and you’ll feel crisp and refreshed afterwards, ready to conquer whatever comes your way! So, put on your favorite Big Freedia song and be reminded of how fierce you truly are.
3. Have your own Heavy Petting session (animals optional).
We all know of the benefits that come with the petting of furry little things. If Heavy Petting on the Main Green were a daily event, I think Brown would finally implode from all the happiness. But, because Heavy Petting is not as frequent as we’d like it to be, one must be creative: Take a moment to walk down Thayer and pet all the cute sweatered dogs you see. Lie on the main green and surround yourself with food until you gain the trust of squirrels, and they come within petting distance (proceed with caution). Also, while randomly petting people is generally frowned upon, remember that you go to Brown and social conventions are more like guidelines. Pet your friends, pet your professors, pet everyone! If you’re feeling adventurous, ask them to pet you! Hugs are so overrated anyway.
4. Look to Ryan Lochte for inspiration.
While this man is mostly known for his Olympic swimming records, he is also famous for what he does outside the pool. You see, Ryan Lochte just rides the chill wave so hard. His interviews and reality TV show reflect how slow laidback he is, and it is simply mesmerizing to watch. His inclination to use the word “jeah” inspires me to become a better person. Lochte is living proof that good things happen to those who don’t take life too seriously (ok, so his talent and face may have something to do with his success). Do as he does, and jeah your way through life. Responsibilities? Maturity? Stress? Please, Lochte can’t be bothered, and he’s doing just fine. Heck, he even made it through college, so there’s no reason why you can’t!
5. Listen to Sleigh Bells as you walk to your classroom.
Do. it. Don’t even ask who they are, what genre they play, or what ratings Pitchfork has given them. Put on your headphones right now, listen to “Infinity Guitars” or “Crown on the Ground,” and you tell me if you don’t feel like the baddest b…and out there. Now, imagine walking to class to the beat of these songs? Your hearing might suffer, but your spirit will soar. Feel free to high-five everyone on your way. For maximum results, wear a studded leather jacket and your freshest Ray Bans.
6. Finally, remember that you’re at Brown, bruh.
Look, finals are annoying and they have a way of making us feel like failures…but relax! The greatest (not to mention sexiest) university in the world saw something in you that they liked and now you’re here and we all love you very much! (Ed.-<3) Yeah yeah, this is something that your parents might tell you over Skype as you cry over the unpredictability of your future and your indecisiveness, which may surely be the death of you. But guess what? You got into college! That was the hardest part. It will only get better from here. Don’t let something as silly as a test break you because you’ve got this. You hold the reins on your future, and no one can change that. So many wonderful things lay ahead, and you simply cannot let stress or feelings of inadequacy debilitate you. Ain’t nobody got time for that.