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Sixth Man: Bruno’s year in review

What a tame bear!

As we come to the end of another glorious season of Brown Athletics, it’s important to take a second to sit back and think about all the wonderful moments we’ve spent watching Brown teams succeed on and off the field this year. Let’s dash through season recaps for every one of our 37 varsity sports:

Baseball: A 7-33 finish, including 3-17 in Ivy League play, marks a successful and unprecedented effort by the baseball team to win even fewer games than last year’s nine. They did push #2 LSU to the wire in a narrow 4-3 walk-off loss, though, so that’s something.

Basketball (Men’s): A 7-7 Ivy League record was a big improvement on last year and good for a tie for third. Memorable wins included a comeback over rival Providence and eliminating Princeton from league title contention with a beatdown in the season finale. Sean McGonagill ’14 was named first-team All-Ivy; Cedric Kuakumensah ’16 was name Ivy League Defensive Player of the Year. Show the fuck up to their games next year, please.

Basketball (Women’s): 3-11 Ivy and 9-19 overall records were nothing to write home about, but women’s basketball alum Lindsey Gottlieb ’99 coached Cal to the Women’s Final Four, which is pretty damn cool.

Crew (Men’s): Hard to figure out, since apparently men’s rowing isn’t an NCAA sport but is still varsity (?). I don’t know. Anyway, Brown has had another great season, losing only to No. 1 Washington and Ivy rival Harvard. (I think. Crew results are really hard to understand.) The year will conclude with Ivy and National championships in late May/early June.

Crew (Women’s): The NCAA sponsors women’s rowing, so this one is easier to figure out. Brown is ranked 12th and fresh off an Eastern Sprints victory heading into Ivy and National championships in late May/early June. Sounds promising.

Cross Country (Men’s): A bunch of Brown students ran distances that would kill you or me, but didn’t qualify for nationals after finishing 11th at Northeast Regionals.

Cross Country (Women’s): A bunch of Brown students ran distances that would kill you or me, and finished 8th at Northeast Regionals. Standout Margaret Connelly ’14 placed 7th to qualify for Nationals, where she finished 130th out of 253 runners.

Equestrian: The team placed third at Ivies and sent three riders to Nationals. Honestly, the results of this shit are totally indecipherable, but I can report with some certainty that no one from Brown won the national championship. Still, it sounds like they did pretty well.

Fencing (Men’s): The men’s fencers valiantly swordfought their way to 10th in NCAA.

Fencing (Women’s): Women’s fencing finished 4th in the Ivy League Fencing Round Robin Tournament.

Field Hockey: 6-11 overall, 1-6 in the Ivy League… but the win was over Cornell, so I think I’ll take it. Goalie Shannon McSweeney ’15 was written up in the Boston Globe, which is also cool.

Football: Da Bears fought their way to three straight wins at season’s end to finish 7-3 overall and 4-3 in the Ivy League—identical records to 2011. In other news, did you know that Brown football alum Sean Morey ’98 won a Super Bowl ring with the 2005 Steelers? Boom. You learn something new every day.

Golf (Men’s): Secured a 7th place finish at the Ivy championships, a step up from last year’s 8th place. Have you ever wondered where they play? I have. I have wondered that. You know, on account of our not having a golf course and all.

Golf (Women’s): Finished 6th at the Ivy championships. My concerns about where the golf team plays apply here as well.

Gymnastics: The team came in 4th at USAG Collegiate National Championships, which turns out not to be the NCAA championships but whatever. More fun facts: Alicia Sacramone, from the 2008 Olympic team, competed for Brown in 2006 before forfeiting her amateur status to, you know, be an Olympian. She didn’t graduate, though–it “wasn’t the best atmosphere for [her]…maybe a little too liberal.” Oh well in that case, let me mention how she COST THE U.S. THE GOLD MEDAL. Yeah. Enjoy your online Harvard classes, Alicia.

Hockey (Men’s): Men’s hockey made an unprecedented Cinderella run to the ECAC championship game (including a 4-0 victory over #1 Quinnipiac) fueled by goalie Anthony Borelli ’13 and goal-scoring machine Matt Lorito ’15. They also beat eventual national champion Yale 1-0 at home during the regular season. No big deal.

Hockey (Women’s): A rough 6-20-1 record. Looking for silver linings here, but not finding many.

Indoor Track & Field (Men’s): So I just found out we don’t really have 37 teams. We have 35, and then we split track and field into “indoor” and “outdoor.” I will not dignify such antics with separate write-ups.

Indoor Track & Field (Women’s): See “Track & Field, Indoor Men’s.”

Lacrosse (Men’s): Men’s lax (officially, “laxxxxxxx”) capped its 8-6 season with an 8-7 victory over in-state rival Bryant and a three-overtime win over Dartmouth. Laxxxxxxx.

Lacrosse (Women’s): Women’s laxxxxxxx was 2-5 Ivy but 9-6 overall. Plus, Bre Hudgins ’14 was named first-team all-Ivy. Even more fun facts: lacrosse is the only Brown athletics program whose men’s (Lars Tiffany ’90) and women’s (Keely McDonald ’00) coaches are both alums. Sorry, that fact wasn’t too fun.

Outdoor Track & Field (Men’s): Track and field results are pretty cryptic, so I’ll just take it from my sources on the team that they improved a lot over the course of the year, and that their 3rd-place finish at Ivies really counts as 1st-place because Cornell and Princeton are unbeatable. Impressively, John Spooney ’14 claimed his third straight 100m Ivy title, becoming the fourth person ever to three-peat. Call him Usain.

Outdoor Track & Field (Women’s): The women finished sixth at Ivies, which maybe also counts as first? I will consult my sources. Victoria Buhr ’14 won the Ivy discus title; Bruno also grabbed third and fourth place in the event. DISCUS DYNASTY.

Skiing: Our women skiers (no men’s skiing for Bruno anymore) had an undefeated regular season, took their second straight Eastern regional title, and finished sixth in the country. Whoa. Who knew? We have to start getting cheering squads out to rural Vermont or wherever they race.

Soccer (Men’s): Men’s soccer put together a nice run, including second place in the Ivy League (they beat champion Cornell in the only head-to-head match-up), a consistent top-20 national ranking, and a tight 2-1 loss to #2 Maryland in the second round of the NCAA tournament. With half the starters graduating, next year may be less of a good time, but you never know. Hope springs eternal.

Soccer (Women’s): The women’s soccer team started the season 6-1. I won’t tell you what their final record was so that we can all just remember them as the team that started 6-1. But I’ll give you a hint: it wasn’t as impressive as 6-1, or even, say, 6-6.

Softball: The 10-28 finish wasn’t so hot for softball, but take out that unlucky 11-game losing streak in April and they were really just, uh, 10-17. Damn. I thought that would sound better than it did.

Squash (Men’s): The preppy northeast schools are so dominant in squash that Bruno’s 8-12 record was good enough to qualify for top-16 nationals (we lost all three matches there). Funny story–the squash boys picked up their only conference win of the year in the regular season finale when the Dartmouth coach benched six of his nine players for drinking the night before. Final score: Brown 6 Forfeits, Dartmouth 3 Actual Matches. Yeah, suck it, Dartmouth.

Squash (Women’s): The squash ladies picked up a legitimate Ivy win over Columbia, plus the Dartmouth freebie (those Dartmouth women’s squash rascals got suspended along with the men). They finished eighth in the country after losing all three of their nationals matches 9-0, which, according to the unbiased reporting at BrownBears.com, “did not reflect how well the team played.” Yeah–if you had fun, you won, I always say.

Swimming & Diving (Men’s): The aquadynamic (new word I just made up) male Brunonians finished 7th at Ivies, where standout Tommy Glenn ’14 repeated as 100 and 200 butterfly champion; Glenn also appeared in the same events at NCAA’s, placing 17th and 23rd, respectively.

Swimming & Diving (Women’s): The female aquastars (another new word; I’m on fire) also finished 7th at Ivies and set like 700 Brown records (as did the men, at least according to the team website), though they didn’t pick up any individual titles. Should we be worried that the swim team gets crushed but still sets a ton of Brown records? What does that say about Brown swimming historically? Nothing good, I don’t think.

Tennis (Men’s): The 14-10 overall, 4-3 Ivy finish for men’s tennis was highlighted by an upset win over then-#21 Harvard, the Crimshit’s (see what I did there?) only Ivy loss of the season. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Tennis (Women’s): The season did not go as well for women’s tennis, who picked up their lone Ivy win against Dartmouth and finished 7-13 overall. On the plus side, doubles team Misia Kraskowski ’13 and Hannah Camhi ’16 were unanimous first-team all-Ivy selections.

Volleyball: If you’ve made it this far in the post, you probably don’t want to hear that volleyball finished 7-17 overall and 3-11 in the Ivy League, so I won’t tell you that. Instead, I’ll tell you that People Mag is reporting that Tori Spelling got a “unique,” “playful,” and “deeply romantic” spinning-diamond anniversary ring!!! Wow!

Water Polo (Men’s): Men’s water polo saw their season came to a disappointing end when they bowed out of the regional tournament with a loss to rival Princeton. Still, a top-20 ranking is nothing to scoff at (if you don’t tell anyone about how there are only 36 teams in the NCAA).

Water Polo (Women’s): Playing a tough schedule, the women’s wopo team finished 18-20 overall but 5-3 in conference. And don’t worry–just like the men, they can shit on Harvard, dropping them 12-10, 16-12, and 18-9 in their three match-ups.

Wrestling: Last but not least, wrestling picked up 11th place in the Eastern region tournament and sent individual qualifiers Billy Watterson ’14 and Ophir Bernstein ’15 to NCAA championships. The year was perhaps most notably marked by the retirement of 30-year of coach Dave Amato at season’s end. He was third among all active college wrestling coaches in career wins.

Well, that just about does it for the 2012-2013 Brown Bears athletic season. I guess you could follow crew’s progress in their rowing thingies in a couple weeks if you’re craving more. And I know you are…

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