Confused by why masses of students were acting like new mothers and fathers on Wriston Quad yesterday? No, it wasn’t the morning after SPG: it was Super Heavy Petting. If you missed out on the petting zoo, BlogDH is here to give you a recap of what went down, complete with pictures so you can do some virtual “heavy petting” at home. And for those of you whose maternal or paternal instincts kicked in as you swooned over baby farm animals, we’re ready to help with your separation anxiety. Observing Super Heavy Petting was like watching an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras… except the toddlers were baby animals, the tiaras were their diapers, and the overbearing parents were overworked college students. It was just as dramatic, and we heard just as many quotable lines. Following is a play-by-play of the event, with some of the best “Overheard at Brown” quotes ever:
12:22 – First signs of activity on Wriston. Three people carrying cages emerge.
12:25 – Students passing by begin to notice. Many mosey on over.
12:26 – Behold the chicken that lives amongst the bunnies. Does the chicken think he’s a bunny or do the bunnies think they’re chickens?
12:30 – RELEASE THE KRAKEN! Or pig. Same difference.
12:31 – “Is that a chicken? A chicken? Nooooo.”
12:33 – “But how does it see??”
12:36 – I am now holding a burritoed bunny. Giving very serious thought to running away with it.
12:38 – I am now certain that no one would notice if I stole the bunny.
12:41 – I had to give up the bunny. I may need a moment…
12:45 – A small argument has broken out over who will get to hold the goat *grabs popcorn*
12:47 – Pig-rubbing challenge: if you rub the piggy’s belly and he falls over, you can then pick him up. Challenge accepted.
12:50 – “I feel so bad for the animals, but, like…” Pretty much.
12:51 – The pig will not fall over. Many have tried. Many have failed.
12:55 – “He bit me… but it was soft.” [Ed.-That’s what she said…]
12:57 – “Frat pig? I think we need a frat pig.”
12:59 – I have given up on the pig. Now, to the puppies.
1:01 – I am
holding a shaking puppy crying inside.
1:03 – “I’m just hoping that the caretakers will see how much he loves me, and let me keep him.”
1:06 – “Everyone’s voices just went up an octave.”
1:07 – “It’s literally a pig in a blanket!”
1:09 – DTP = Down To Pet
1:12 – “I will forever be known as the kid who hogged the hog.”
1:13 – “Give me that goat.” People are getting aggressive.
1:14 – Snapped a pic for instagram #instabunny #petstagram
1:19 – “The day all brown students decided to become farmers.” “Only baby animal farmers, though.”
1:20 – A helicopter flies overhead — “No! Don’t take my duckling!”
1:21 – “Don’t you have a 1 p.m. class, dude?” “Baby animals are waaay more important.”
1:24 – “We don’t have mainstream chickens at Brown.”
1:24 – “It’s so fluffy I’m gonna die.”
1:26 – A bunny just peed on a girl’s foot.
1:26 – Pig tries to eat umbrella.
1:26 – Pig tries to eat shoe.
1:26 – Pig tries to eat iPhone.
1:27 – Someone shoves a baby bunny in my face. But it’s ok because it’s soft.
1:28 – “Pay attention goat, you’re dumb.” How can you be mad at the baby animals??
1:29 – The goat falls asleep on a girl’s neck. “This goat is the embodiment of the American dream. He just poops and naps.”
1:33 – “The goat chooses the holder. It’s like Harry Potter.”
1:35 – I’m holding a goat. The goat is wearing a diaper. Best day of my life.
1:41 – Where do you have class next? “Metcalf.” Haha animal joke!
1:44 – “Oh my god did you just eat that chick?! Whoa sorry, your Ratty burger looked like a duckling…”
1:48 – “The bunny looks like a teacup!” How many inanimate objects can we compare these animals to?
1:50 – “I’m exploding with happiness right now.” Sounds about right.
1:51 – “What’s stopping me from just taking this duckling right now?” I’d be really surprised if the petting zoo ended up with the same number of baby animals that they began with.
1:52 – Heavy petting is a good excuse for missing my 2 p.m. class, right?
1:53 – My stress is relieved after an hour of Super Heavy Petting—thanks CCB 2015! But now leaving the baby animals is stressing me out. Will they be okay without me?? More realistically, will I be okay if I’m not always holding a baby bunny in my arms?
We could feel people’s stress evaporating after a few minutes cuddling with the animals. So why can’t we de-stress like this everyday? We propose a permanent petting zoo on Wriston Quad. Before your meal at the Ratty, you could hold a goat or nuzzle a chick. And at night whilst walking out of a frat party, you could see the adorable animals and realize they’re much cuter than the guy/girl/phe you’re about to go home with; you’ll definitely save yourself a walk of shame. In the meantime, we can’t wait for the next Super Heavy Petting.