Drunk/Sober/High: Freshman Laundry Night

Last Sunday, three brave freshman souls ventured into a deep, dark place: the laundry room of a Pembroke dormitory. One faced the challenge of drunken stupor, another was cast under the spell of an herbal tendency, and the third, and perhaps bravest soul of all, stood bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, intoxicated only by his anticipation for the night that lay ahead. Here is their story (unfortunately, it’s 100% true… literally, 100%).

**The peaks and nadirs of this blurry night were chronicled by a Spotify playlist crafted with love and affection. Click on the hyperlinks throughout the post to truly vibe with Drunk, Sober and High’s experience. Yes, we listened to a lot of Joni Mitchell.**

9:35 p.m.: Drunk, after taking two shots of unidentified water bottle alcohol alone, heads over to Sober’s room.

9:42 p.m.: Drunk sends High aggressive text messages…

 First aggressive text messages of the night9:48 p.m.: Sober pressures Drunk into a third shot. He reminds Drunk that by the end of the night, she is also expected to finish the five Blue Moons awaiting her in his fridge.

9:54 p.m.: Sober is overheard saying to Drunk, “On a scale from one to yakking, I want you to be at an eight.” Fourth shot is imbibed.

10:15 p.m.: High arrives unannounced, interrupting Sober and Drunk’s intense discussion of vintage sweatshirts.

10:18 p.m.: “I’m definitely vibing right now.” –High

10:22 p.m.: “I am a shameless encourager of their intoxication.” –Sober

10:26 p.m.: “We need to do laundry.” –Drunk

10:30 p.m.: Hi-Chew is currently a point of contention. High and Drunk will do whatever they can to get their hands on that mango-flavored goodness. Sober proclaims, “You must unlock the Hi-Chew via higher levels of intoxication.”

10:34 p.m.: Drunk mistakes Japanese eraser for Hi-Chew and begins to consume.

10:37 p.m.: Conversation ensues.

Drunk: “I’m nervous I’m going to make all of my whites pink.”

High: “I did that to other people’s laundry while sober the other day.”

10:40 p.m.: “We really need to do laundry.” –Drunk

10:41 p.m.Drunk forgets about laundry and joins High on the dance floor that is Sober’s carpet.

10:44 p.m.: “It’s really important that you put in that we’re listening to Al Green.” –High

10:45 p.m.: “A bowl is an inherently social instrument and to indulge in it alone is antithetical to its purpose.” –High, on cannabis consumption

10:48 p.m.: “There’s a 100% chance that we need to do laundry.” –Drunk, with an eerie reminiscence of Karen Smith

There's a 100% chance that we need to do laundry

10:52 p.m.: “Is this not a Saturday? It’s a Saturday.” –Drunk

10:54 p.m.: “I feel like such an asshole walking around with a red solo cup on a Sunday night.” –Drunk

10:55 p.m.Drunk, while explaining the task at hand to Sober’s neighbor, accidentally dips hair in red solo cup.

10:55 p.m.: “I look like I have rabies.” –Drunk, discussing the foam in her hair 

10:58 p.m.: The battle begins: Drunk and High each insist that their method of intoxication is superior to the other’s. When Sober asks Drunk about this battle, Drunk responds, “We have to do laundry.”

11:01 p.m.: The biggest crisis of the night thus far erupts:

Drunk: “I have to pee and I have to do laundry.”

11:03 p.m.While finally leaving Sober’s room, Drunk unintentionally rips off Sober’s DIY doormat (made of unpoppable bubble wrap and masking tape). Drunk begins to walk to the laundry room, unaware she is currently dragging the mat by her foot.

11:04 p.m.: High exits Sober’s room with two packs of Double Stuf Oreos in hand.

11:05 p.m.: “Do we have to go downstairs or downstairs?” –Drunk

11:08 p.m.: The three chums enter the laundry room. Drunk is stumbling. High gets to work.

11:09 p.m.: “Are my sheets…white?” –High

11:10 p.m.: High moves a stranger’s laundry from the washer to dryer and puts his own into the empty washing machine. He is surprisingly efficient, though clumsy:

Dysfunctional

Part 1: It’s harder than it looks

Almost there, buddy

Part 2: Remember to collect the socks

Yay

Part 3: Bruno on the move

11:10 p.m.: Drunk is beginning to break down. She needs her sheets to be washed if she is to sleep in her own bed tonight. If not…

11:17 p.m.Drunk disregards kids studying while waiting for their laundry and begins to belt the timeless classic “Wrecking Ball.” Studious kids leave.

11:17 p.m.: “Drunk’s voice is appallingly shrill.” –High

11:20 p.m.: Sober has forgotten his detergent and does not have enough Bear Bucks. Who says intoxication impedes productivity?

11:26 p.m.Drunk’s sheets are miraculously in the washing machine.

11:35 p.m.“I don’t like this vibe right now, we need to get out of this harsh lighting.” –High. Drunk is singing Lana in a corner, alone.

11:36 p.m.: Drunk has disappeared.

11:37 p.m.: Sober and High exit building and sit on some grass.

11:40 p.m.: “The only way I’ll smoke more is if I’m guaranteed the Hi-Chew. I need it in my soul/body/pocket.” –High

11:43 p.m.Drunk returns and begins singing Joni Mitchell. High and Drunk spontaneously harmonize.

11:45 p.m.Conversation ensues.

Sober (to High): “You have a point. Drunk’s voice is appallingly shrill.”

High: “Mmmm, Joni Mitchell is so culturally relevant, calling the DDT out and everything.”

High is awarded a Hi-Chew.

11:48 p.m.Someone yells “shut up” out of a window to Drunk while she is singing. Drunk experiences angst: “Literally, fuck people.”

11:58 p.m.Another stranger yells out of his window, requesting “Rainbow Connection.” Drunk replies, “Oh my god I LOVE THAT SONG.” Drunk proceeds to not play that song.

12:05 p.m.: The crew returns to the laundry room to take pictures on PhotoBooth. While discussing the merits of each effect, Drunk opines: “Dent. Dent for life.”

12:28 a.m.Laundry is in the dryer. Somehow.

12:37 a.m.: A confrontation.

High (to a singing Drunk): “Can you please shut up?”

Drunk: “Like I’m not trying to be a good singer I’m just trying to have fun.”

High: “No need to bitch me out.”

Drunk: “I’m just telling you how I feel, I’m not bitching you out.”

High: “Oh, okay.”

12:46 a.m.: “We need to do laundry.” –Drunk 

12:52 a.m.: Drunk finishes her first beer (finally). 

12:54 a.m.: “I’ve officially had five and a half drinks, which is two and a half more than I usually have. I just want you guys to know.” –Drunk

1:00 a.m.: Laundry is complete. Sober, worn out from babysitting, cracks open a bottle of Blue Moon.

2 Comments

  1. Mom

    For this I pay tuition????

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