It’s October in Providence, and freshmen all across campus are starting to realize one thing: the honeymoon phase is over. There’s so much going on with clubs, classes, and media frenzies that there’s barely enough time to
nap focus on the important stuff (homework?). But don’t let trivial things like midterms and government shutdowns distract you from what’s really important: whatever the f#@$ is going down on your floor! Just a few weeks ago everyone was innocently bonding over Unit Wars and shopping period angst, but now it’s a different story. Unitcest, folks. It is very real, very dangerous, and will bring even the tightest of floors down. So what do you do if you just want to keep the peace and sing kumbaya with your neighbors? Enter the dos and don’ts of dealing with unitcest:
- Save the drama for your mama. Getting all the juicy details and giving your opinion may seem like a good idea
at 4 a.m. on a Sundayat first, but giving your two cents is going to cost a lot more in the long run.
- Be especially nice to your roommate if you’re one of the guilty ones (yeah, you). He/she is going to be the main one dealing with your crap, so next time you’re at the Blue Room, get him/her a muffin.
- Be courteous and kind to both parties. If things go wrong, remember: this isn’t a divorce lawsuit.
- Make a habit of knocking. One bad experience with this, and you’ll never forget it.
Trust me, I know.
- Keep your sickness to yourself. Dorm life is already basically a cesspool; once one person on your floor gets sick, everyone is screwed.
- Tell the entire floor. As easy as it is to mass text the entire unit, don’t. Number one, they probably already know. Number two, you’re not going to want to deal with that mean glare every time you walk down the hallway. Keep it to yourself.
- Take sides. Even if there’s clearly a winning side. Even if you like one of them more. Even if one of them starts acting all possessive and jealous. (Especially if one starts acting all possessive and jealous.)
- Immediately evacuate the room if those two people are alone except for you. We’re not five here, people. Don’t make it awkward, this isn’t Twitter. That being said…
- Awkwardly stick around when they’re trying to get it on. Use your better judgement. Trust me, you’re not going to want to see that shit.
- Tell your counselors. I don’t know why you would do that, but if you’re thinking about it, don’t. You thought unit meetings were already awkward? Just you wait.
- Ask your roommate how it went… unless he/she brings it up. Then make him/her dish. But remember, what is said in the dorm room stays in the dorm room.