The skunk-pocalypse is upon us. This semester, which we have named The Semester of the Skunk, has marked a huge boom in the number of student skunk sightings. Skunks have become a fixture of late-night walks, outdoor make-out sessions, and trips to Jo’s. After
asking some of our friends extensive research, we’ve started to question everything we know (or thought we knew) about our furry friends. Here are some skunkspiracies that we think might have increased skunk activity on campus:
Skunkspiracy #1: Fumes released during the construction on Metcalf have mutated a percentage of our campus’ infamous squirrels into skunks.
Skunkspiracy #2: Keeney renovations disturbed a sacred skunk burial site and now the skunker-geists are determined to haunt campus until they have a new place to rest in peace.
Skunkspiracy #3: Skunks buy into the stereotypes surrounding the Brown student body and enjoy partaking in highbrow activities on campus. After all, isn’t it common knowledge that grass (we’re totally talking about grass on Main Green) is an aphrodisiac for skunks?
Skunkspiracy #4: There are no skunks on campus at all. You’ve enjoyed too much of the aforementioned grass on the Main Green and now you’re seeing things. Take it easy with the partying, man.
Skunkspiracy #5: The lesser-known brother of the tropical weather pattern El Nino, El Diablo Peludo, is in full swing, causing ornery skunks to take over campus.
Skunkspiracy #6: The skunks got excited about Nudity in the Upspace and wanted to participate. Seems reasonable.
Skunkspiracy #7: Conversely, the skunks are actually spies for Jesse Watters and are here to uncover all of the sexy happenings at Brown and put them on Fox News.
Skunkspiracy #8: The University secretly housed skunks for military purposes until the last decade. Recently, the skunks escaped. These skunks were imprisoned in the bowels of the Ratty, which explains the smell…
Skunkspiracy #9: The skunks oppose Christina Paxson’s Strategic Plan and they will occupy campus until she changes it.
Skunkspiracy #10: (Cue sound effects) It’s all a dream within a skunk within a dream. Leo DiCaprio, please wake up! They’re starting to spray us! #skunkception.
Skunkspiracy #11: The skunks behind the shelves of Symposium Bookstore left when Ben and Jerry’s moved in because they are lactose intolerant. Now they wander the streets and look for new homes.
Skunkspiracy #12: DPS created a skunk divison. Their stench is not deadly, but it does an admirable job of killing the vibe on Wriston Quad.
Skunkspiracy #13: The skunks hang out on Patriot’s Court because they’ve been trying to pledge a fraternity.
Skunkspiracy #14: If you take drugs, you will turn into a skunk. Then you will die. Live above the skunkfluence, people.
Basically, Brown has turned into animal kingdom and all we can do is sit back and watch. Hopefully our professors’ pets don’t start getting involved in this madness. Next time you are outside late at night, please keep an eye out for skunks. Tell them that BlogDH sent you and that you come in peace. Or, on second thought, don’t mention us — we don’t want to mess with them.
Disclaimer: We here at BlogDailyHerald claim no responsibility if the government did house skunks at Brown University.