Feng Shui (pronounced “fung shway” and not “fuhng shooey”–bet you didn’t know it was spelled like that!) is one of the Five Arts of Chinese Metaphysics. It philosophizes the way humans interact with their environments. It is, in other words, the art of moving shit around to create perfect harmony between you and your Bed Bath & Beyond desk lamp.
We’re almost done with midterm season—if you aren’t, may the force be with you—which only means that it’s the ideal time to procrastinate. If you’re feeling a metaphysical disturbance or a rupture in your aura and want to blame all your problems on a piece of furniture that seems a little “off,” Feng Shui is the way.
Are you riding the struggle bus on the long road of midterms? We’ve got the answers to all of your problems, and all it takes a little push n’ shove. Read more for specific Feng Shui remedies to heal the wounds caused by classic #BrownProblems:
Problem 1: You have a midterm Thursday at 9 a.m. and your friends insist that they must go shopping in your closet for Whiskey Wednesday. Not only are they tempting you to go to Whiskey, but they also really don’t need to rub it in.
Feng Shui Solution: Move your dirty laundry bag/hamper in front of the window. The stench of your dirty threads soaked in blood, sweat, and tears will be spread by a fall breeze and will ward off insensitive bitches for weeks at a time.
Problem 2: Your roommate, along with the three textbooks she’s holding hostage in your desk drawer, has sexiled you for the foreseeable future.
Feng Shui Solution: Carve a hole large enough for you to shimmy through in your door. A central hole in a piece of architecture—such as your beautifully crafted plaster door—brings many traditional Feng Shui benefits. Although this means of entry may seem dehumanizing, so is whatever’s probably going on inside. You win some, you lose some.
Problem 3: The only bathroom in the SciLi basement is occupied and you really, really, really gotta go.
Feng Shui Solution: Add a bucket to the mix. Place it at the foot of your bed—this polar location will encourage the tinkling of any bodily fluids via the bladder while you are asleep. You will find that after due time, you will gain more control over your excretory functions in stressful situations. Eventually, you will feel a comfort that replaces the vehement “I have to ‘go’ but have nowhere to go.” Use your bucket as a miniature coffee-table, a tool with which to build a sandcastle, or as a compost bin.
Problem 4: You’re so stressed that you binge-ate Blue Room muffins. Yes, muffins plural.
Feng Shui Solution: Move your mini-fridge to the highest elevated point in the room. Although your floors may appear even, in truth, they are not. It may be difficult to find the highest point, but it is possible and will be worth it. Try any of the following simple solutions:
- Make a grid on the floor out of masking tape. Stand in the center of each box and drop a marble from pelvis-height. See where the marble rolls. Record your results in a composition notebook. That should put you in the right direction to figure something out, but I’m not a physics major, so I can only take you so far.
- Walk around barefoot until every inch has been touched by your sole (haha punny). Feel around for the highest vibes.
- Think to yourself: at which spot in the room do you feel closest to God and/or Bob Marley and Jerry Garcia? That is probably the highest point.
Having your fridge at the most elevated point will enable you to burn off some extra calories while you’re walking there.
Although we try to refrain from peer pressure, it should not go unnoticed that Bill Clinton, Cher, Julie Andrews, Gwyneth Paltrow, and last but certainly not least, Boy George, are all into Feng Shui as well. So is Ellen DeGeneres, making mid-semester Feng Shui officially a non-option.