You thought your middle school days of awkwardness were over, and then you came to Brown. Sure, things aren’t as bad. Your unshakable obsession with My Chemical Romance is a thing of the past and “rawr<3” no longer means, “I love you” in dinosaur. Still, things tend to get cringe-worthy very quickly here. The ascent into adulthood is a turbulent one, my friends, and college seems to only play on our innate clumsiness. Below are just a few things that we all dread.
The Ratty Rumba/The Thayer Tango
Whenever you go to the Ratty, especially during rush hour, you know that it’s impossible to make your way to the omelet bar without bumping into at least three individuals (most likely carrying two plates and a bowl of soup each because life hates you). Bonus points if you actually knock down their plates, or knock the person down entirely. Let’s not even talk about our futile attempt to gracefully sort out our dirty dishes and throw out our scraps in the designated bin. (And you thought frat parties made for awkward bodily contact.)
Thayer St. also spells trouble for us, and not just because Urban Outfitters always has the cutest window displays when our bank statements display the uncutest figures. Any normal person would just casually move to the side upon seeing a person, or a group of people, approaching him/her from the opposite end. As you may already know, Brown students are not exactly “normal.” so it’s very difficult for us to let the other people pass by without first engaging in a little P.S.R first. If a person is walking toward you with a dog, you better pray it’s not one of the teeny tiny kinds that like to wind themselves between your legs, or the sniffing type that consequently engage in enthusiastic leg humping. But that’s a story for another time.
You push when you’re supposed to pull, you enter where you’re supposed to exit–it’s all so overwhelming! To expand a bit on the former, I’m sure you’ve all had push/pull dilemmas at the worst possible times. Maybe there were many people behind you waiting to get in or out. Maybe there weren’t many people behind you, but there was this one hottie from section who is obviously judging your ineptitude (there go your wedding plans). Maybe you decided not to exit through the middle doors at the Ratty because you’re just a badass like that and in turn caused complete and utter chaos. The most terrifying case is when you have to go to the restroom during class and have major issues trying to open that bloody classroom door when you try to get back inside. Doors are as stressful as it gets.
Family Weekend Exposé
Thank goodness Family Weekend only comes once a year. Now, don’t get me wrong, parents. I love you all, but things tend to get freaky when our environment gets infiltrated by happy-go-lucky adults who still view the SciLi as one of the Seven Wonders of the World. For instance, you may become an exhibitionist for the day. It’s not on purpose, though. All you wanted to do was peacefully make your way from your room to the showers down the hall. Unfortunately, our towels almost never stay where we want them to; during Family Weekend, this can become especially problematic. You may also decide to roam the streets at night in your drunken stupor–it’s the weekend, after all, but you may have forgotten that it’s more than likely that you’ll run into a happy family of five. The sheer disappointment on the parents’ faces and the confusion expressed by the little ones as you stumble to your building will haunt you forever.
Fast and Furious 7
You would think that the professor student that nearly ran you over with his wheeled contraption should be the one to feel ashamed, but it is mostly the almost-victim that feels embarrassed. Plus, the whole thing is actually quite terrifying. I mean, have you seen a science student that is late for class riding a bike? Vin Diesel ain’t got nothing on them. What makes it awkward is the prospect of being seen by everyone around you as a bike or a scooter crashes into you (or vice versa–it happens), causing the rider to tumble over in a possibly dramatic yet admittedly hilarious way. What’s worse is when they’re actually not going particularly fast but still manage to nearly kill you. Curse you, blundering body coordination!