12 Days of Flogmas, Day One: J. Walter Wilson

In order to get you young whippersnappers in the scrutinizing mode for finals and hopefully a jolly mood for the holidays, your one and only true Blog love brings you the 12 Days of Flogmas. What is a Flog, you ask? Why, it merely consists of the best, most poignant, sometimes earth-shattering criticisms of perhaps the most trivial, yet gear-grinding aspects of life at Brown (see our FlogDailyHerald column). We feel this is particularly fitting during our collective finals catharsis, and we’ll keep it coming for 12 days. Take a sip of your FlogNog and let the festivities begin…

Oh, J. Walter Wilson, how I hate thee. Home to our mail boxes, mail services, and a number of unrelated offices, JWW is a hub of student traffic. Whether you have a language class in there every fucking day or you just stop by to pick up your mail, we are all too familiar with it. There are certain questions one is faced with upon entering the building, most of which have to do with its construction. The most pressing of which is what the architect was actually thinking when designing the building. The way things turned out, you’d think he or she was pulling a Rob Ford. Here’s why:

  1. The stairwells. Ever dared to venture up and down the stairwell? When classes end ten minutes before the top of the hour, hordes of students clamber up and down those damn stairs. “This is great,” you might say. Brown students get it. We don’t use the elevator. We’re saving the world. False. Those stairs make me want to take the elevator. As you ascend up the stairwell of DEATH, you will constantly be stopped by our faithful architect’s version of a traffic dam. Any time a person tries to enter or exit a given floor, the door swings out, blocking both the traffic going up and the traffic coming down. It’s basic physics: what goes up must come down, unless of course there’s an outside force fucking up the flow. Don’t mess with my chi, JWW, it’s a long year.
  2. The elevators. When you’ve taken enough of the stairwell’s antics, you make a bold play for the elevator. You wait outside of the doors on the first floor, say hello to a couple familiar faces, and when the time comes, enter the elevator. Sweet. All is going well. You pass the second floor, and the elevator slows to a halt on the third floor. As the doors open you expect to smoothly walk out and head to class. Wrong. There’s a water fountain right in front of the elevator doors, which is totally chill, except for the fact that water fountains tend to create lines. But wait, don’t elevators usually have people waiting for them too? You go up another floor while contemplating the idiocy of this placement. The doors slowly open only to reveal another complication, this time it’s a vending machine. I mean come on. This is worse than the water fountain. At least the fountain is embedded in the wall. This vending machine easily juts out three feet from the wall, clearly obstructing people’s path in and out of the elevator. DPS is all up on our asses for having “excessive wall decorations” citing it as a “fire hazard.” What about the death trap that is JWW? Is that permissible under this so called fire code? Rob Ford, you’ve done it again, you son of a gun.
  3. This.

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