Your guide to the Holiday Hornies

Who knew that rocks were so into foreplay?

Who knew that rocks were so into foreplay?

Nothing makes us think about love quite like finals do. You’re trying to think of a good topic for your Comp. Lit essay, and dammit, your mind wanders off to your crush. You’re studying for a Geo exam and you come across the term “fold and thrust mountains”…COME ON GEO!

You guys get the picture—there is nothing like locking yourself in the SciLi for ten hours to get you hot and bothered. But, it’s worse than usual now, because finals are smack in the middle of holiday season. Enter the “Holiday Hornies.” Everyone knows that the holidays are an extremely sensual and romantic time. Christmas is such a powerful aphrodisiac that it made renowned singer Eartha Kitt consider sleeping with Santa Claus, and she was way out of his league!

Here are some ways to cash in on the spirit of the “holiday finals,” whether it be a one night stand or just getting to know someone better:

The candles. Oh baby. Everybody loves candles. They’re romantic, and all it takes is one little blow to make the lights go out. However, a lot of us won’t have time to be lighting any candles of our own during reading period. Luckily, the University has provided the student body with a whole building’s worth of pre-lit candles! That’s right, we’re talking about University Hall.

An artist's rendering of a window at University Hall

An artist’s rendering of a window at University Hall

The two flames in each window definitely have something to do with Christmas; we just don’t know exactly what. With the holiday on the horizon, it seems like the perfect time to take your flame for a nice chat under the “candlelight.” It would probably be inappropriate to get too frisky on Main Green, but definitely utilize the central location to set the mood.

The plethora of campus holiday events. Finals are usually a time when people opt to become recluses. It’s probably a combination of the intense workload and the complete loss of faith in humanity/one’s own abilities. With that in mind, it’s convenient to have holiday-themed gatherings available as a way to shake off SciLi fever. A combination of free sweets putting people in a good mood and the collapse of most social barriers in the face of exhaustion make us a bit more outgoing than usual.

Gift yourself.  A lot of you have been procrastinating in class with a little online shopping/browsing. But maybe it’s time to buy yourself something a little bit different. There’s no time like the holidays to head down to Mister Sister on Wickenden and buy yourself a treat. There, you can find the gifts that keep on giving… as long as you replace the batteries. A guaranteed increase in holiday spirit, as well as focus for exams.

What a coincidence, it's just what you wanted.

What a coincidence, this suspiciously stick shaped gift is just what you wanted.

Study dates. Schedule a study session with someone of your liking, and make the location super romantic. You won’t get busted like you usually would, every place is decorated like a first date during the holidays! So what if your study space is a bed made of pillows and plush throws under your Christmas tree?  The close proximity to the evergreen scent may just help you study. Save energy by turning off the lights, but leaving the Christmas lights on. What’s blasting in the background? Could that be Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On”?  Sorry, you could’ve sworn that you were in a scene of one of Michael Buble’s Christmas music videos off his holiday CD.

Totally valid.

Totally valid.

Mistletoes. Regardless of religious affiliation, you can use the mistletoe to get ass. Conveniently plan to stumble upon one of these bad boys with your crush. Why? Because there’s no denying that it facilitates the age-old “well, I guess we have to make out now.” Don’t even pretend that you didn’t use the 2012 Apocalypse as an excuse to get laid. We know you did. Hopefully you still took the proper precautions and used protection, because the world totally didn’t end. Obviously.

Caffeine run. Invite your special someone for a coffee run to keep buzzed for finals. Purposely do not dress warm enough for the weather outside. There are two ways that this one can go:

1) He/she takes off his/her coat/scarf/winter cloak and lets you wear it. Considering the weather in Providence, this probably will never happen. However, if it did, IT WOULD BE SO CUTE.

2) You have an excuse to linger in Tealuxe and strike conversation. He/she will finally realize that you’re the one… right?

Alternatively: The person who accompanied you to Starbucks is surprisingly outgoing and invites you back to his/her/gender of choice’s dorm to “warm you up personally”! Cha-ching!

I think your latte is giving you a sign.

I think your latte is giving you a sign.

Good luck studying 😉

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