Despite the fact that keeping up with popular culture is the first “special skill” listed on my resume, until last night I had never actually watched the Grammys. I had avoided doing so largely because I believed the show consisted of hours spent watching artists perform the very songs played to death on the radio the year before. I was sorely mistaken. The Grammys, in fact, consist of hours spent watching artists perform strange songs no one has ever heard before, random oldies no one thought they would ever hear again, and bizarre collaborations between artists that no one ever wanted to hear together. Plus, they feature an unexpected and unfortunate amount of country (see the title of this article). Here are some thoughts and comments from last night’s show:
1. The graphics and slides in the background of this show seem to have been put together by a 5th grader who recently discovered Powerpoint.
2. *Insert praise for Beyoncé here*
Beyoncé causes Pro Bowl to lose its 9 viewers #Grammys
— Fake SportsCenter (@FakeSportsCentr) January 27, 2014
3. Is Lorde under some contractual obligation to only wear floor-length, long-sleeved black dresses? Was there a way she can get out of it? Also, her nails.
4. Pharrell looked like a mountain trail guide. Someone should have helped him find his way.
5. When Steve Coogan (the British star of Philomena) said “it’s hard out here for a pimp” was certainly a highlight. Most surprising is the fact that Coogan only later learned he was quoting song lyrics.
6. The video behind Robin Thicke’s performance was just a series of colors and blobs. Perhaps these are some of Robin’s drawings?
7. Did Keith Urban borrow that t-shirt from his son? Or an equally small child?
8. OK, seriously, was there a dress code at this event?
9. Katy Perry catching on fire would have been hilarious.
10. The Grammys should take a page from the Oscars and start playing music over performances when they go on for too long. Or maybe send someone onstage talking loudly to usher them off.
11. Who in Taylor Swift’s PR department thought it would be a good idea for viewers to watch a 3-minute long clip of T-Swift backstage fixing her makeup and taking selfies?
12. LL Cool J referred to Taylor Swift as his “good friend.” I would pay copious amounts of money to be a fly on the wall at one of their hangouts.
13. Why is every other lyric of this new Taylor Swift song, “I was there, I know, srsly I was there, I promise”? It’s typically a red flag when someone constantly insists they “were there” when telling you a story.
14. Taylor Swift most likely whipped her hair back and forth more than Willow Smith herself.
15. The guy from Fun. was 100% captured holding a flask backstage.
16. P!nk made no effort to even disguise the fact that she is not singing. She literally pressed play on her Ipod and decided to do some trapeze art while the recording played.
17. Jamie Foxx could not be less subtle about the fact that there are drugs going around backstage. No Jamie, that wasn’t the amazing “air” backstage that made you start rambling incoherently about pregnant women.
18. Note to self: find a .gif of Taylor Swift dancing to Kendrick Lamar.
19. Thank God the Grammys decided to honor the Beatles. Now they can finally say they’ve made it.
20. Carole King looks like the classy, talented aunt of Carrie Bradshaw.
21. These Macklemore marriages were great in theory, but disappointing in practice. Queen Latifah should’ve been given more air time. In fact, Queen Latifah should’ve been given all of Macklemore’s airtime.
Although there were countless other confusing and amusing moments throughout the ceremony, I think everyone can agree that the highlight of the evening was breakout star Kasey Musgraves and her song “Follow Your Arrow.” If you haven’t already, checkout her music video. In fact, check out her entire album which, hand to God, is entitled “Same Trailer Different Park.” Enjoy: