Ever since the beginning of time last year, Brown Admirers posts have been the highest form of romantic gestures. Nothing says I love you like: “To the beautiful beast of a [phe] that shall remain unnamed: that ass. that face. that hair. those lips. those legs. that voice. that smile… I will make you mine for a night.” Yeah, so, we guess the admirations are kind of hit or miss. In honor of Valentine’s Day, here is a scientific simulation of how we believe the human brain reacts to getting a Brown Admirers shout out.
- Your heart skips a beat when you get the notification. All of your dreams are coming true! But this can’t be serious. It’s probably just one of your friends being a troll. Besides, there is no reason to get excited. You didn’t need this meaningless online compliment to tell you that you’re sexy—you know you’re sexy. In fact, you have so much self-confidence that you’re not even going to “like” this silly post.
- Of course, you have to check back every couple of hours (read: every 10 minutes) to see how many of your friends liked the post. Having one secret admirer isn’t enough, after all. No, you need to be sure that all of your Facebook constituents agree that you’re worthy of this. Some people get over 100 likes! Why don’t you have that many likes? Do people not think you’re sexy…?
- At this point, at least one of your close friends has commented either a) a heartfelt agreement with your admirer or b) “YEA [insert your name here] GET IT!!” Kind of embarrassing but, then again, it would be totally embarrassing if they didn’t comment to show their support.
- Now you’re scrolling through the list of people who have liked the post, and then you think, “Damn, is my secret admirer among them?” Liking the post would be the perfect disguise for having been the architect behind it! Maybe you should try harder to find out who it is—you know, throw them a bone. Okay, you’re going to settle for “liking” the post.
- Fuck, who is it?! You’ve asked all of your friends and nobody is giving you any answers. If this is a big prank, it will be soul crushing—I mean, not that you care. It’s just a stupid Facebook post… You could comment on it to try and draw the perpetrator out. Is that too desperate? Not if it’s witty. Dammit, WHY CAN’T YOU THINK OF ANYTHING WITTY TO SAY RIGHT NOW?
- You haven’t even broken 50 likes. Your life is over. There are less than 50 people in the world who find you attractive. You should deactivate your Facebook. No, you should deactivate your Facebook AND transfer schools. Don’t people understand how important this is to you? The whole world should be proud of you for finally snagging a Brown Admirer.
- OH NO. A family member just liked the post. Now your whole high school crew is going to think that the only thing you’ve accomplished at college is having “DAT ASS.” What does “dat ass” even mean? Why didn’t your secret admirer give more context?!
- You can’t believe that your TA from ENG0090 last semester didn’t like your admirer’s post. That’s so fucked up, because you liked theirs when they received one, and it’s only fair that they repay you for the favor.
- At this point it’s been 24 hours and all of your close friends are really tired of hearing you babble on and on about this Brown Admirers thing. Obviously they’re just jealous. Or jaded because they get one every month. Or, OH MY GOSH what if one of your friends is your secret admirer and they’ve been secretly in love with you all of this time?! Or maybe it’s that creepy guy that always stares at you in City Politics? Or maybe it’s the really hot guy you tried to eyefuck in the Ratty the other day? No, he definitely has a significant other already. Damn. He was really hot.
- Does this admirer want a relationship or a one-night stand? You don’t know if you’re ready for that much commitment, but you’re certainly not about to be ditched like a used sock after one night with the person who put you through all of this angst. The truth is, you still don’t know who this person is. Anonymous admirers are stupid. People should be more upfront with their feelings. Fuck it! You’re going to comment:
HEY SECRET ADMIRER HIT ME UP 😉