An internal monologue while taking the “Girls” BuzzFeed quiz

Oh em effing gee. Finally, a quiz that will tell me which Girls character I am. I’m so tired of having this fight with my friends because I’m so obviously Hannah because I want “to feel it all” but of course, everyone wants to be Hannah. They’re like, shut up, you’re totally Shosh. And no one is ever Jessa. Just because you went abroad last semester doesn’t automatically make you any more of a Jessa.

So, let’s see… starting by choosing a frozen snack. That’s clever. Even though it seems totally arbitrary, they’re obviously channeling people who aren’t on meal plan and have to cook frozen food. I’ll take the potato skins. Hannah would totally eat them while trying to write. The sugar free popsicles are totally Marnie.

Which dog would I pet? So, do I choose the cutest? Because I hate petting random strangers’ dogs on the street. I don’t go up to and pet people’s children even though I think babies are much cuter than dogs. Oh, this may be like what dog would each character be. I’ll choose the Toy Spaniel, even though that seems like a Shosh dog. Oh well. I’ll make up for it later.

What do I do if I have a crush on someone…well I can actually base this on personal experience. “Freak out.” That was easy.

I hate when my actual response isn’t an answer choice. My guiltiest pleasure is obviously watching The Carrie Diaries… But, I guess wallowing is a good second choice. Most of Girls is wallowing, and I guess I like when I do that.

Wow. I love interior design. How am I supposed to choose only one of these bedrooms? There’s the masculine “Let’s go camping and look like rugged L.L. Bean models.” There’s the uber-clean hotel one. There’s an upscale minimalist room. I like the one that looks between being a real adult and living in a hotel.

Okay, seriously? Choose a Lindsay? Should I know what mental state she was in? Who in their right mind would choose LiLo’s mugshot? I don’t feel too nostalgic, so cross out The Parent Trap Lindsay. Liz and Dick was a joke. I guess the easiest choice is Cady Heron LiLo. I knew my SAT process-of-elimination skills would come in handy again.

Pick something blue?!? This is extremely arbitrary. Blue toilet washing fluid?! Chambre hair?! The Blue Man group? I can’t associate any of the characters with any of these. Ugh, I haven’t eaten. I’ll choose blue M&Ms.

A question about my perspective on jobs. I obviously want one. Nice, Buzzfeed. Putting a reality based question adjacent to a stupid arbitrary question. Five of these responses have the same implications! “LOL” “Meh” “A what?” “Boring as hell.” I get it, millennials are taking this quiz.

Coffee. Damn, I need some soon. I shouldn’t be taking this during this MCM class. This quiz is my caffeine to stay awake. OK Buzzfeed, Kahlúa is not coffee. I’ll go with the classic coffee cup.

If I had to choose a country… why is the U.S. on here? I wonder how what the global audience of Girls is like. I wonder if there was one girl in Albania who identified with SNL’s Girls parody. I’m tired — I’ll choose France. It’s the first one I saw.

WHAT THE? I got Shoshanna?! I totally have a grip on reality. Do people think I’m naïve?! Oh, but it says I’ve got “a bright future ahead.” I like to think I’m much more stable than Shoshanna. I’ll see what answers I can change to get Hannah. I think it was the blue question that screwed me over.

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