The 2014 Oscar-viewer’s guide to movies you haven’t seen

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The Academy Awards are this Sunday and it is basically all anyone I am talking about. Anyone who is anyone knows that the Oscars are the most important social event of the season. Good Oscar-viewing parties include copious amounts of food, lots of discussion of fashion, attendees who take the awards not only seriously, but personally, and ballots for these attendees to invest in with not only their hearts, but also their money. Basically a combination of my three favorite things: judgment, competition, and strong but ultimately pointless opinions.

The only problem with this otherwise perfect evening can be the fact that, unless you are my father (hand to God this man does not work), chances are you have not seen every single film with a best picture nomination this season. This is a problem not because you missed the opportunity to see a potential new classic but because, come Sunday night, there will be times when you will have to go full minutes without spewing passionately held beliefs and will actually have to listen to those of others. The remedy to the problem is, of course, making shit up. But how can you make shit up about a movie you haven’t seen? What if you embarrass yourself and make some long-winded speech about how you just don’t care about seeing wolves in movies since The Grey came out only to have someone explain that the Wolf of Wall Street wasn’t about real wolves?  Welcome to “The 2014 Oscar-Viewer’s Guide to Movies You Haven’t Seen.”

Note: These are not synopses of the films because Wikipedia exists. These are quotes commonly spewed by people who have seen these movies that, when repeated, will create the illusion that you saw them as well.

Dallas Buyers Club: 

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“Matthew Mcconaughey lost sooo much weight for this role. I don’t know why everyone is just now considering him a serious actor, Magic Mike was way darker than people think.”

“Jared Leto completely disappeared into his role. Did you know he hasn’t even acted in years? Yeah, he’s been working with his band, 30 Seconds to Mars. They were the ones who made that moving video, ‘City of Angels.’ Oh my god, thank you, I hated it too. I don’t know how they got so many celebrities involved.”

American Hustle:

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“I honestly didn’t even realize that was Christian Bale until halfway through the movie. And I thought that was Isla Fisher until the end. I wonder if Amy Adams is going to sit with Her or American Hustle.”

“Jennifer Lawrence was incredible. Did you know she added her kiss with Amy Adams? God, she is just so quirky.”

Her

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“Amazing movie. Really made me question my relationship with my technology. Like am I in love with my computer? Who’s to say, really. I mean, sure if there was a fire and it was my computer or my boyfriend, I’d save my computer, but like I really think my boyfriend could save himself. And I have so many old pictures on my laptop.”

“Did you know Kristen Wiig was the phone sex voice? Yeah the one with the dead cat. I would recognize Kristen’s voice anywhere, it’s weird that you didn’t.”

12 Years A Slave

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“Very powerful. Really hard to watch, but very powerful. Just a really important movie.” (Feel free to google synonyms of the word powerful to weave into discussion. Based on conversations with people who have seen this movie, I’m pretty sure they’ve done the same.) 

“Chiwetel Ejiofor was amazing. Kind of weird Brad Pitt decided to cast himself as the one good white character though, right? But otherwise, just really good.”

Captain Phillips

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“Tom Hanks is just so likable. What is it about him that is so likable?”

“Barkhad Abdi was definitely the breakout star of the year. Yeah, he was discovered as a limo driver in Minnesota. I’m obviously really happy for him, it just kind of makes me feel like I have a really bad agent.”

Gravity

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“I wish I’d been high.”

Alternatively: “I was high and it was great.”

The Wolf of Wall Street

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“How does Jonah Hill keep getting nominated for Oscars? Now I’m sure my agent isn’t very good. Leonardo DiCaprio on Quaaludes was easily the best scene in the movie. Margot Robbie is soo beautiful. I don’t know, I thought the sex scene on all the money was kind of gauche.”

“I personally think the movie could’ve used a hard edit. Yeah I know Martin Scorcese is a brilliant director, but I just think Catching Fire pulled off 3 hours better.”

Nebraska

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“It was weird to see Will Forte in such a serious role. I’m glad to see he’s doing well post-SNL though. Part of me hopes he gets an Oscar just so Andy Samberg can’t brag about his Golden Globe. No, I love Andy Samberg, I just hate Brooklyn 99.”

Philomena

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Unless attendance consists heavily of older family members, no one at your party will have seen this movie. Do NOT pretend you did or people will know you are lying and everything until this point will be discredited.

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