An honest cover letter (for the job you won’t get)

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We’re in the thick of internship application season, and many of us are sending out cover letter after cover letter in the hopes that someone in HR might slip up and actually hire us. For those who don’t feel like using mad libs to earn gainful employment, here’s a (brutally) honest cover letter about all of the marketable skills, leadership experience, and technical expertise my American Studies concentration has given me (Ed. Don’t send this to any employer ever):

To whom it may concern,

My name is Brian Semel and I am writing to apply for a summer internship position at your company, which I heard about through an incredibly vague Google search after looking at the dining hall menu for the third time today and before a YouTube video of animals with people voices, which is playing as I type this. I think you will find I am uniquely unqualified for any position whatsoever, and I am eager to work for a company I only just heard about.

I am a sophomore at Brown University where I concentrate in American Studies, which essentially means I live in America and think it’s kind of decent. My liberal arts education has given me no practical skills, but I have several suggestions about what to next binge on Netflix. My involvement in the Brown community can best be described as “insubstantial.” But fear not, potential employer: I also dislike working with others and I am terrible at coming up with even uncreative solutions to the most solvable problems.

Outside of class, I excel at sleeping during the day. I am the kind of person who will only pay for coffee if I have amassed enough quarters and dimes, and I do not do well with children, animals, authority, or criticism. My technical abilities are widely considered to be limited. I cannot figure out how to change my default font from Arial to something that sucks less. I have shed tears trying to work Excel, and I have never even opened Photoshop or Final Cut Pro. The last thing I yelled at was a printer. My phone etiquette is best imagined as a combination of a bad telemarketer and that bitch Rhonda who failed me on my first driving test, and my organizational skills are on the level of that monkey which is dumber than most of his monkey friends.

I refuse to wear a tie, run errands, or take shit in general. If it is raining, it is unlikely I will come to work, and I will call in pretending I am having a vomit-y kind of situation. Between the two of us, it’s good this is only an internship position and not a full time job, because thirty years from now, I pity the company that has to pay for my health insurance. 80% of what I consume is caffeinated and the other 20% is gummy vitamins. I haven’t seen the inside of a gym since before New Years, and despite my despicable eyesight, I do not wear glasses.

I’ve got the mouth of a sailor, the patience of an infant, and the temper of a polar vortex. I hope to hear from you soon, but for some reason I feel as though you won’t be in touch.

Fuck you in advance and thanks for your consideration,

Brian Semel

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