Last week, Harvard’s Fifteen Minutes magazine released its list of the 15 hottest students in Harvard’s freshman class. The internet responded accordingly. First, Gawker offered its perspective on the situation, hoping to gain clarity on “exactly what medical steps are being taken to correct their thermoregulatory disorders.” Then, Fifteen Minutes’ parent publication, The Harvard Crimson, released its list of the 14 coldest freshmen at Harvard, satisfying the curiosity of those who desperately wanted to know what was taking place at the “other end of the spectrum.”
The sheer absurdity of Fifteen Minutes’ list got us thinking, too. At first, we were confused. On what basis and/or metrics does one rate another’s “hotness”? Is it their physical appearance? Their body temperature? The degree to which they’re hot and bothered? Determined to apply a similar framework in a Brunonian setting, we went out on a search for Brown’s 15 hottest freshmen, and we found them. Our metrics? These freshmen had to be as toasty as Flatbread Co.’s wood-fired ovens—drenched in sweat, feverish, thirsty, red-faced, and clad in multiple layers.
We now present to you the Brown Class of 2017’s 15 hottest freshmen. (See full profiles after the jump.)
Aziz Rangwala ’17
Julia Rothschild ’17 and Charlotte Tisch ’17
Ideal date: Having him hold an icepack to my head as he drives me to health services.
Worst date: Anything involving shared body heat.
Describe yourself in three words: Feverish. Clammy. Sweaty.
Favorite childhood activity: Cooling down by fitting my young, perspiring body into a refrigerator while on the dock in Sweden.
Something you’ve always wanted to tell someone: I don’t get why you keep complaining about the polar vortex, it’s hot as hell in here.
What do you see yourself doing in 15 minutes?: Sniffing dangerous amounts of Vick’s VapoRub.
What’s your favorite thing about Brown?: The diversity… in strains of influenza.
Where can we find you on Saturday night?: Under a mountain of tissues.
What does it mean to be one of the 15 hottest freshmen at Brown?: Hotness is a social construct… duh…
Favorite celebrity: The Nasonex Bee
Describe yourself in five words: Hot. But actually, I have a fever.
Least favorite thing about Brown: It’s too damn hot.
Ben Silver ’17
Ideal date: Ice skating
Best thing about Brown: The athlete culture
Worst thing about Brown: There aren’t enough clubs downtown
Role models: The Dalai Lama, Lil B (The based god), and Jacob Koffler
Where to find you on a Saturday night: The ice skating rink
Something you’ve always wanted to tell someone: “Where’s the beef?”
Sarah Peters ’17
Hometown: Weston, MA
Best thing about Brown: V-Dub eggs
Worst thing about Brown: The SciLi
What you look for in a guy/girl: Sense of humor
Most embarrassing Brown moment: Slipping on ice and ripping my jeans
In 15 years you are: Still eating V-Dub eggs
Julianna Bradley ’17 and Taylor Worthy ’17
Hometown: Valley Forge, PA
Dorm: Hotel Andrews
Best thing about Brown: Gender neutral bathrooms, no requirements, and playing Quidditch on the Main Green
Worst thing about Brown: This is just a silly question. Come on, seriously.
What you look for in a guy/girl: Adventurousness, philsophivity (?), and a nice butt
Favorite childhood activity: Running away
Describe yourself in three words: Painfully awkward, over-zealous, chronically confused
In 15 years you are… probably living on a commune, figuring out the meaning of life, and working on perfecting my dread-locks
Hometown: Medfield, MA
Role models: Jennifer Lawrence and Beyoncé
Something you’ve always wanted to tell someone: Yes, I do mind if you sit there.
In 15 years you are… re-living my glory days
Marley Rafson ’17
[Image removed because subject’s hotness was scalding everyone’s eyeballs]
Best thing about Brown: The students here were finally able to appreciate my hotness.
What you’ll do with your 15 minutes of fame: Constantly refresh Brown Admirers until I find a post about myself.
Guilty pleasure: Posting #nofilter selfies that are secretly filtered.
Something you’ve always wanted to tell someone: “Being hot is not as easy as it looks.”
In 15 years you are… trying to hide this post from my children.
Arely Diaz ’17
Hometown: Los Angeles, CA
Dorm: Archibald (in Keeney)
Ideal date: Mama Kim’s in the cold
Best thing about Brown: The Blue Room sandwiches
Worst thing about Brown: No credits can be used in the Blue Room until 4 p.m. Wtf.
Role models: Abraham Lincoln and Batman
Where to find you on a Saturday night: Jo’s
Something you’ve always wanted to tell someone: “Hi, my name is Arely.”
Jacob Kirschenbaum ’17
Role models: J.R. Smith, Calvin Klein, Graham Hancock, Raye “Rayve” Sosseh
Three words to describe myself: Perforated, Green, Moist
Something you’ve always wanted to tell someone: “I’ll take Potent Potables for 500, Alex.”
Guilty pleasure: Toothpaste
Favorite childhood activity: Vicodin
What I look for in a girl: Me
Ruby Stenhouse ’17
Worst date: He tries to convert me to another religion, has his mom play the tuba for me, buys me a six-pack of deodorant, and doesn’t even give me the goodnight kiss I was hoping for.
Best thing about Brown: I can walk home to do my laundry and avoid paying $1.50 per load.
First thing you’ll do with your 15 minutes of fame: Take advantage of that moment when you walk into Andrews Commons and everyone turns to look at you.
Role models: Squidward and books.
Something you’ve always wanted to tell someone: I lie about really insignificant things in most conversations. For example, I wouldn’t be that upset about the six-pack of deodorant. My stock is running low.
In 15 years you are: Hopefully sweating equally out of both armpits.
Elliot Grossman ’17
What you look for in a girl/guy: Someone more responsible than me, so if we get married, she can take care of business
Best thing about Brown: No core requirements means I can have a four day weekend every weekend
Describe yourself in three words: Shorts. T-shirt. Beard.
Worst thing about Brown: No food open after 2 a.m.
Favorite childhood activities: Hiking, climbing trees, or anything to do with nature
Where to find you on a Saturday night: Playing video games or in bed, getting some beauty sleep
Elliot Grossman ’17, Ben Silver ’17, Christian Rodriguez ’17, Alex Baldock ’17, Quinn Herrera ’17
Quinn (far right)
Role models: Joey Chestnut, Richard Simmons, and Terio
Something I’ve always wanted to tell someone: My impact on the Second Law of Thermodynamics
Guilty pleasure: Being cold
Describe yourself in three word: Supah. Hot. Fire.
Best thing about Brown: The Open Curriculum
Worst thing about Brown: Taking pictures of all the tourists in Providence
Describe yourself in three words: Genuine, responsible, and attractive
Guilty pleasure: Looking at myself in the mirror
Where to find you on a Saturday night: Looking at myself in the mirror
What you look for in a girl: Compassion and a great smile
Alex (second from right)
Ideal date: A sensual walk on the waterfront
Best thing about Brown: The rich diversity of muffins
Worst thing about Brown: Hogwarts architecture would be pretty chill.. if we had it
Role models: Will Ferrell, Candice Swanepoel (She’s a nice lady)
Where to find you on a Saturday: Computer Science Lab #CS4Life
Something you’ve always wanted to tell someone: You have really luscious thighs
Hometown: Greenwich, CT
Dorm: Emery (Pembroke)