If you read the title of this post and didn’t get the hilarious reference, you obviously did not watch last night’s Oscars. But you’re in luck, because we are more than willing to prioritize watching the rich, beautiful, and famous be recognized for their world-changing achievements in movies over our own ever-growing reading. Here is a quick recap of the highlights of the evening:
Based on thorough online investigation, it appears that no celebrity other than Kelly Osbourne appeared on the red carpet with an umbrella, nor was any rain apparent during pre-show red carpet footage. All of which begs the question, was it even raining or was this an actual fashion decision?
Pharrell jumped from one weird fashion decision to another. Honestly, it’s a fluke you were even invited to the Oscars, so at least wear pants. And I don’t know what Grammys fashion recaps he read, but that hat did not go over well there and it was certainly not more visually appealing in black.
Not only did Bill Murray not brush his hair, he made no attempt to pretend he had even considered it.
Ellen’s hosting was fantastic. It wasn’t hard for her to outdo last year’s exceedingly offensive performance by Seth Macfarlane, but her performance deserves praise even without comparison. At one point she ordered pizza and passed it around to the star-studded first few rows. No one was more excited at the prospect of food than the pregnant Kerry Washington who was beaming like she was the one winning an Oscar. The edgiest joke of the evening had to be: “Jonah Hill is nominated for his amazing performance in Wolf of Wall Street. Honestly, I have to say, you showed us something in that film that I have not seen for a very, very long time.” — Ellen Degeneres (get it? It’s a dick joke).
In terms of the awards themselves, Best Supporting Actor went to Jared Leto for Dallas Buyers Club, but should have gone to Harrison Ford’s drug dealer, whose performance was deeply moving. Ford’s vehement refusal to blink touched my soul in a way I hope it is never touched again without my consent. Best Supporting Actress went to Lupita Nyong’o who literally thanked everyone in the world except Brad Pitt. She also wins speech of the night and prettiest face. Matthew McConaughey and Cate Blanchett won Best Actor/Actress respectively. One made an eloquent speech articulating many topical feminist sentiments about contemporary popular culture, while the other ended with “all right, all right, all right.” You have two guesses as to which was which. Finally, Alfonso Cuarón won Best Director for Gravity and 12 Years a Slave took home best picture.
Bizarre award-presenting moments included Jim Carrey staring at Bruce Dern and quoting famous Bruce Dern lines at Bruce Dern. Pretty sure he’s seen the movie, Jim… Additionally, the Dreamgirls theme played during Kerry Washington’s entrance, begging the question: Did someone in the sound control room think she was in that movie? (Brian would like to note that Kerry Washington is, in fact, his dream girl, so the song feels appropriate. Different strokes). Whoopi Goldberg mad a passionate speech about the hero of Wizard of Oz, which left audiences wondering who Whoopi Goldberg thinks was the hero of “The Wizard of Oz.” She didn’t seem to be channeling Dorothy as much as the witch who gets killed by the house.
The ‘In Memoriam’ montage was a real reminder of how young so many celebrities were who died this year (Philip Seymour Hoffman, James Gandolfini, etc.), but the song choice was strange. Not trying to be insensitive, but “Wind Beneath My Wings” is all about a woman who lacks recognition and everyone honored in the Academy Awards slide show is exceedingly famous.
Finally, we ask any and all readers of this post to write in with your opinion on who sucks more: Jonah Hill (the bane of Jessica’s existence who Brian thinks is a delightful sculpy clay creation come to life) or Matthew McConaughey (who said that his hero is himself in ten years and is the object of Brian’s scorn, and whom Jessica finds endlessly amusing). We’re having a contest.