FlogDailyHerald: Mr. Bicep Man

Last week, I heard something truly despicable. I was in the Ratty, doing what I do, minding my own business, when I hear, “Yeah, gotta hit the gym. Gotta get those biceps if I wanna get any Spring Weekend.” I only just stopped vomiting in anger, which is why it took me so long to respond to this monstrosity of a thought, but here we go.

What? Excuse me? The nicest biceps in the world will not make girls want to sleep with you if you are A) the kind of person that plans seven weeks in advance to get toned arms or B) are the kind of person who only wants nice arms 3 days out of the year.

And excuse me, person who this dude was talking to: Why did you not slap him in the face then and there? Dear readers, he agreed with his friend. He said he’d join him in the Bear’s Lair, which is the worst place ever. If you insist on subjecting yourself to the gym, do it for your health, not your sexual track record.

Why do you not have bulging muscles right now? Oh, it’s a shit ton of work and totally not worth it and chocolate gives you more self esteem than a bench press ever could? Then maybe you should never have the muscles. Do you think a girl is interested in you because of the girth of your arms? Something tells me she’d prefer for your girth to be allocated differently, and your weirdly big ‘weekend arms’ just make other aspects of your anatomy seem smaller.

Since the dawn of time, we have been avoiding manual labor. We started farming because hunter-gathering was too much work. We built cars and forklifts because we were sick of running and lifting.  You are flipping off all of human history in the hopes you’ll get laid.

But guess what? You won’t. Because if you’re not getting laid right now with your average looking biceps, your biceps aren’t the deal breaker. The deal breaker is that you are planning your one night stand a month and a half in advance. People plan vacations to Florida with less notice. How on earth can you think about Spring Weekend when I’m wearing a coat over my jacket above my sweatshirt on top of my sweater which is hiding three layers of long underwear?

Listen, my friend. I can think of an easy arm exercise that I already do on the regular. You can do it from the comfort of your own bed. You do that. I’ll stick with my skinny arms.

P.S. If the dude who said that reads this article and wants to come pick a fight, please do. Last time we encountered each other, your arms weren’t exactly a force to be reckoned with.

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13 Comments

  1. Big Al

    What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you of the opinion that this blog grants you the permission to pass judgment on your fellow classmates? It is none of your business as to what motivates someone to work out and stay in shape. I doesn’t matter if someone wants to be healthy, lose weight, or impress girls. Some people dress well to improve their image, some people get haircuts, and some chose to live healthy lifestyles. There is no good reason for you to be offended by someone else’s motivation for being physically active. This person said nothing to offend you, a male, and yet you insist on spewing your bullcrap as if you are entitled to your superior opinion. Fuck you. What does it matter that he would like to impress girls? He sure as shit isn’t trying to impress you! You jelly bro? If anything, this article has revealed your own inferiority complex towards those that are/aspire to be bigger than you. To top it all off, you end this article by picking a fight with this random person who wants to stay in shape. I truly doubt he realizes you exist, and I hope he doesn’t waste his time reading your insensitive article. And if this person doesn’t find you and whoops your ass, come visit the Nelson anytime. I’ve got 99 problems you don’t want, fuck boy
    “No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.” – Socrates

  2. What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you of the opinion that this blog grants you the permission to pass judgment on your fellow classmates? It is none of your business as to what motivates someone to work out and stay in shape. I doesn’t matter if someone wants to be healthy, lose weight, or impress girls. Some people dress well to improve their image, some people get haircuts, and some chose to live healthy lifestyles. There is no good reason for you to be offended by someone else’s motivation for being physically active. This person said nothing to offend you, a male, and yet you insist on spewing your bullcrap as if you are entitled to your superior opinion. Fuck you. What does it matter that he would like to impress girls? He sure as shit isn’t trying to impress you! You jelly bro? If anything, this article has revealed your own inferiority complex towards those that are/aspire to be bigger than you. To top it all off, you end this article by picking a fight with this random person who wants to stay in shape. I truly doubt he realizes you exist, and I hope he doesn’t waste his time reading your insensitive article. And if this person doesn’t find you and whoops your ass, come visit the Nelson anytime. I’ve got 99 problems you don’t want, fuck boy
    “No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.” – Socrates

  3. sorry

    ja feel, dude, but this is real whiney for a bdh article

  4. John

    Lots of swoleshaming in this article, pathetic.

  5. Misc

    in b4 clive

  6. Swole and hurt

    reddit.com/r/swoleacceptance

  7. Bicep Charles

    “What? Excuse me? The nicest biceps in the world will not make girls want to sleep with you if you are A) the kind of person that plans seven weeks in advance to get toned arms or B) are the kind of person who only wants nice arms 3 days out of the year.”

    Is there a timescale you would find preferable to seven weeks? It’s certainly not the kind of thing you decide one day and then wake up the next morning with big biceps.
    Perhaps unfortunately for those who think it shouldn’t, having big biceps may make a man desirable. If the author thinks that this is not the case, he’s certainly free to neglect his arms (perhaps he prefers calves).

    “If you insist on subjecting yourself to the gym, do it for your health, not your sexual track record.”
    What are you, my rabbi? People should go to the gym for whatever reason they want to. Is it really so wrong for someone to want to have sex with people, and work towards that end? If getting healthy isn’t sufficient motivation for someone to go to the gym, why do you care?

    “Why do you not have bulging muscles right now?”
    I dunno. Why are you mad about it?

    “shit ton of work and totally not worth it ”
    Wellllll I think we’ve finally reached the crux of the disagreement between the author and Bicep Charles. Is it not worth it? Not everyone would agree, but very few people would be mad at the other side for disagreeing.

    “chocolate gives you more self esteem than a bench press”
    That’s an empirical claim that I suspect most would disagree with.

    “Something tells me she’d prefer for your girth to be allocated differently.”
    Oh sure, let me simply decide how to allocate my fixed sum total body-girth, C, to various different parts of my body, sacrificing finger-width and neck width to have a girthy penis. Just like Intro Econ, it’s a simple problem of allocation of fixed resources.

    “Since the dawn of time, we have been avoiding manual labor.”
    Dope.

    “You are flipping off all of human history in the hopes you’ll get laid.”
    “flipping off all of human history,” which Bicep Charles has a responsibility not to do. Better not be a farmer either.

    “Because if you’re not getting laid right now with your average looking biceps, your biceps aren’t the deal breaker.”
    Well that’s just not a valid argument. Maybe Bicep Charles has average looking biceps, and that is a deal-breaker. Maybe it’s not a deal-breaker, but simply a positive that Bicep Charles is missing.

    “The deal breaker is that you are planning your one night stand a month and a half in advance.”

    Why does the author have the ability to put this in a place where tens, hundreds, or thousands of people might read it? Is there really an argument here? “Working out my biceps is not worth my time. It’s weird to think having big biceps makes women want to have sex with you, even in part.”

  8. bitch nigga

    i too hate people more attractive than me

  9. X

    Sounds like someone needs to go to jelly school…

    Why does the size of his biceps concern you so much you have to write a shitty article about it?

    Your logic about humans avoiding manual labor is the stupidest thing I ever heard, everyone’s view of health is different, just because you probably are a cardio bunny and do bikram yoga on the weekend with your beta friends doesn’t mean you’re being healthy.

  10. A Brown Female

    Brian,
    As a Brown U. female, I can offer one perspective from my side of the field. I appreciate a guy who considers how he looks for my sake–or even for the sake of women in general. It’s hot, and those biceps are hot, too. Yeah, if you’re an asshat and you’re swole, you probably lost your advantage, so you’re better off getting swole and being a nice guy. But, damn, nice biceps (and abs <3) are hot! I stay fit and wear make-up both for my own benefit and to look hotter for potential partners, and appreciate it when a guy or gal has done the same legwork (see what I did there? ;). And getting swole is a lot easier than, say, growing a cup size (though it's a huge amount of work! and disgusting protein shakes). I will admit that there have been a few occasions that biceps and/or a guy being swole convinced me to sleep with a guy. If you like those odds, maybe you'd consider a few squats or shoulder presses.
    All the best,
    A Brown Female

  11. Michelle Obama

    Brian, I have a great idea for you! It’s called “Let’s Move” (letsmove.gov)! Did you know that over the past three decades, childhood obesity rates in America have tripled, and today, nearly one in three children in America are overweight or obese? The numbers are even higher in African American and Hispanic communities, where nearly 40% of the children are overweight or obese. I’m glad to hear that said Ratty customer will be working out for the next seven weeks. He’s setting a great example! You know, if we don’t solve this problem, one third of all children born in 2000 or later will suffer from diabetes at some point in their lives. Many others will face chronic obesity-related health problems like heart disease, high blood pressure, cancer, and asthma. I hope you can find your own incentive to get out there and move what your mother gave you, Brian. You owe it to yourself! Let’s move, Brian!

  12. u serious

    ur dumb and jelly and u write bad lulz #teambiceps #curlsforthegirls

  13. yale15

    Seriously, this Ivy League swole-shaming is getting out of control.

    Your article is dripping with unnecessary self-righteousness. People can work out for whatever reason they want; who are you to judge? If a woman sleeps with a man out of physical lust, it’s a matter that’s purely between the two consenting parties.

    Besides, it’s not actually like the guy is *actually* planning a hookup six weeks in advance. You see, in the real freaking world, that’s just how guys often talk to each other. Have you never bro-ed out with other guys? Men joke with each other in not-entirely-PC ways all the time…did you miss that period of your adolescence?

    I’m guessing that this article was spawned out of a sense of jealousy, that you’re simply frustrated that your squishy, elliptical-using body is repulsive to women except in winter, when your preppy Canada Goose coat (thankfully) covers up your skinnyfat abomination to the potential of the human form.

    Praise Brodin.

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