Sextion: The spring fever hookup guide

SWFIELDGUIDE

BlogDailyHerald is proud to introduce our newest Sextion writer, David Johnson!

The season of the Polar Vortex was all about cuddling, sipping hot cocoa, binge watching “House of Cards” with your significant other, and basically using their body heat to save on your gas bill. Now that it’s getting warmer, the birds and the bees are back, frisky squirrels are chasing each other around the Main Green, and breakups are a dime a dozen (I’m looking at you, Senior Scramblers). In the animal kingdom, we call this mating season. In college, we call it Spring Fever.

Luckily, Spring Weekend is just around the corner — the perfect opportunity for curing our Spring Fever. Now that walking to a party across campus doesn’t feel like March of the Penguins, the tanks are breaking out, and maybe even some shorts. Everyone’s attitude says sun’s-out-gun’s-out, so if you are interested in getting busy romantic, this weekend is all about letting loose and having fun. It’s a great time to break the ice with someone new — maybe even someone you’ve been secretly crushing on. When the options range from Chance to Binder to Fratty in the Ratty, how do you know where your perfect guy/girl will be raging? Use this field guide to find out.

The Hipster Heartbreaker

Found at: Chance the Rapper

The Hipster Heartbreaker is that DGAF kid that you have been crushing on forever. Probably more “Prepster” than a true RISD Hipster, you first saw them while stalking your class Facebook page the summer before arriving at Brown, and since then, they have proved to be even cooler than you imagined. The Hipster Heartbreaker is trendy and intelligent, probably concentrating in MCM or Comp Lit, and has a Georgia O’Keeffe coffee table book in the living room of their Barbour suite. Despite your better judgment, you can’t help crushing on them. They have gone through numerous partners over the years because no one can seem to keep up with them. But you’re sure that you can.

How to spot: The Hipster Heartbreaker is wearing an awesome Spring Weekend tank that you totally didn’t see when you were choosing which one to buy. They have that casually perfect “I woke up like dis” look, making you wonder, “did you wake up like that?? And why the heck can’t I?!” The Hipster Heartbreaker is either wearing a knit beanie or has hat hair (the sexy, pushed back kind) because they just took it off.

How to break the ice:

  • Stand next to them and say loudly: “I mean, my cousin went to high school with Chance the Rapper in Chicago so like… I’ve basically known about him since 2011.”

The BrunoBro

Found at: Diplo

Bros come in all shapes and sizes, but the BrunoBro is our own special breed. The BrunoBro is typically found “LAXing” on Pembroke Field with his boys, or in the SciLi studying for Econ. His spirit animal is the wolf (of Wall Street) and no matter the season, he’s wearing boat shoes. The BrunoBro is most pumped for Diplo because it’s the closest he will come to reliving Ultra.

How to spot: The BrunoBro is hot in the traditional sense. Chances are, he and his friends actually designed a few of the SW ’14 tank tops themselves, stoked to show off the fact that they have been hitting the Bear’s Lair all winter. The BrunoBro is most likely wearing a baseball cap with the logo of one of the more obscure sports teams. If you spy a backwards Charlotte Hornets hat bobbing through the crowd, you know you’ve locked onto your target. Follow that musky smell wafting from across the green. It’s his pheromones. Or Axe Body Spray. 

How to break the ice: 

  • “I can’t see the stage, can I get on your shoulders?”
  • “He was so good at Gov Ball two years ago.”
  • [Drunken gibberish.] He’s not really one for small talk.

The Stoner

Found at: Lauryn Hill

Realistically, almost everyone will be watching Lauryn Hill headline the weekend. The Stoner, however, is guaranteed to be there.

How to spot: The Stoner will forgo the typical Spring Weekend tank top because they forgot to order one. Or because they spent all their money on “herbal refreshments” for the weekend. This works in your favor, because it makes the Stoner easier to spot. They could be dressed in any manner of clothing, but they will most likely be donning a drug rug or a pizza-stained T-shirt that says something along the lines of “Mo’s Southwest Grill: Can’t Talk, Celebrating” on the back. Rain or shine, they will definitely be wearing sunglasses.

How to break the ice:  

  • “Some [guys/girls] are only about that thing… but I’m not.”
  • “Want a hit?”

Note: If you take the Stoner home, make sure you have some Flaming Hot Cheetos on hand, or they won’t stay very long. Hey, they may think licking cheese crumbs off your fingers is sexy.

The Intellectual

Found at: Andrew Bird

Most Brownies will agree that brains are sexy. If you want to have a stimulating conversation about the capitalistic implications of Spring Weekend, this could be the hookup for you. The Intellectual can’t make it to every performance because they have a 15 page paper due on Monday, but they will for sure be at Andrew Bird.

How to spot: Short sleeve blue button-down from American Apparel, Converse or Vans, bad dance moves but you applaud the effort.

How to break the ice:

  • “Hegemony.”

The Wild Card

Found at: What Cheer? Brigade

You spotted the Wild Card in your CS15 lab and were instantly fascinated. Rocking the undercut, at least one piercing (not necessarily facial), and most likely a color highlight or two, the Wild Card doesn’t conform. Traditional beauty standards be damned – they are sexy in a way that you just can’t figure out. They have only spoken once in class, and you had no idea what they were talking about. But you know what, you’re still dying to know more.

How to spot: The Wild Card will be in one of three places: the mosh pit, crowd surfing over your head, or somehow playing the drums with one of the members of What Cheer? Brigade. They will be dressed like Macklemore in the “Thrift Shop” video, but don’t you DARE tell them that or they will be utterly revolted.

How to break the ice: 

  • “Last time I saw WCB perform at Building 16, I got my septum pierced by the guy with the tuba!” 

Enjoy Spring Freak-End, take this opportunity to finally make moves on the crush you have been pining over since September, and be safe!

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1 Comment

  1. Clark

    Not funny

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