I ate that Domino’s fried chicken pizza crust thing so you wouldn’t have to

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If you don’t think this looks delicious, you can’t be my friend.

This past week, there was a bit of an uproar in the culinary corners of the Internet. Not only was KFC rolling out a fried chicken corsage (and cufflinks) just in time for prom season, but it also looked like Domino’s was going to blow stoner America’s collective mind with a pizza — wait for it — MADE OF FRIED CHICKEN. Even though the latter rumor turned out to be a bit misleading, I was still excited at the possibility of trying this “Specialty Chicken,” if only to test the resiliency of my digestive tract. And on top of that, on Domino’s web site, it looked delicious. Of the four possible flavors, only Spicy Jalapeño-Pineapple sounded like it would be horrifyingly gross.

So, I figured I’d get out ahead of the bulk order that Domino’s gets every, ahem, Easter Sunday, and let you readers know whether or not the “Specialty Chicken” was worth its weight in saturated fat.

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I got this inside a cardboard box. Instead of the succulent-ish looking amalgam of fried chicken, buffalo sauce, and cheese at the top left of Domino’s chicken portrait, I got a burnt cheese semi-solid/buffalo paste/chicken cube combo. Now, I know my standards may have been a bit high, and looks certainly can be deceiving when it comes to fast food, but this was still a pretty sorry sight. Besides, since when does anything resembling a pizza come in a box so small?

Though the Specialty Chicken wasn’t up to snuff aesthetically, it could have redeemed itself if it had tasted good. And, as a Domino’s apologist, I wanted it to taste good so, so badly. Well, I can’t say Specialty Chicken acquitted itself. The chicken is basically the same thing you get from the “Kickers,” which means they’re thoroughly mediocre.

The chicken-cheese combination, which I guess works out well in theory, devolves into disaster when a white liquid masquerading as cheese oozes out from under the burnt layer you see in the above picture [Ed- Ew, too grahic]. Bye.

In a test of endurance, I made through 7 out of the 10 pieces — mostly by drowning each one in the side of buffalo sauce — before I surrendered. So, when you order Domino’s this afternoon because you’re too baked to be ashamed of it, I implore you to avoid the Specialty Chicken. Get regular chicken for a regular person. Or at least give Crispy Bacon & Tomato a try instead of Classic Hot Buffalo.

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