Finals period has reared its ugly head, and once again, all we can think about here at BlogDH is sex. With everyone thinking about sex, what do you do when you come back to your room with your hook-up, only to find that your roommate beat you to it? Don’t despair, because as you’ve read in some of our previous posts, there are so many other places you can go to have a good time. There are those places we walk by on campus and say “damn, I would so get it on here,” and then there are the less glorious places that have a more utilitarian appeal. Here are some of our dreams and some of our realities when it comes to fun outside of your dorm:
Bamboo Garden – Sort of the inevitable outdoors hook up at Brown. You were probably just at Jo’s after some serious rounds of beer pong, and you think bamboo sticks are pretty and Zen. Next thing you know, your feng shui is all up in a sexy somebody and the clothes are coming off. If you don’t mind the cold, this is a very achievable option for a fun hook up. However, beware, people have been known to piss in the stalks.
Laundry Rooms – This is among the wimpier alternatives for your dorm when you’re sexiled, but you also run the high risk of getting caught. On the weekends there is a nice, casual vibe about laundry room hook-ups. It says “hey, I was at the party, I wanted to take it back to my room, but I also didn’t have the motor functioning to go very far, so I took it to the laundry machines.” A reputable source commented on the topic “it’s a thing.” So there you have it folks – a realistic goal to work towards. Swipe your Bear Bucks and enjoy the good vibrations.
The Organ in Sayles – It would be just like the iconic scene in “Pretty Woman,” except bigger, louder, and even more dissonant! Even though the first thought that came into your head when you walked by Sayles on your Brown tour might not have been about sex, don’t pretend like your mind doesn’t wander during the Midnight Organ Concerts. You know you want to. Sadly, word of mouth says that there are censors on that balcony. This doesn’t come as a surprise, considering we doubt Brown’s administration would want us grinding up on the world’s largest remaining Hutchings-Votey pipe organ.Lame.
JWW – It may be time to bring a different kind of package to the mailroom. Some adventurous students are suckers for the glass windows, but our guess is that a lot of people venture there sexually just because it’s open at weird hours and a bunch of doors remain unlocked. Extra points if you manage to get into the Chandelier Room on the fifth floor.
Pool at the Nelson Fitness Center – The pool is so nice and clean and new, it just really makes a kid want to go have sex in it! We are 95% sure that the lifeguards would not be down with this. Unless… you are hooking up with the lifeguard! While you’re saving that genius plan for a rainy day, you should also note that you run a large risk of mooning Water Polo practice, so for many this is still a dream. As a final heads up, water does not make as great of a lubricant as one may think. Prepare to chafe. Or prepare to have to lube up at the beginning and reapply later.
Pembroke Seal – If you are determined to get pregnant and/or not graduate. Unless, you feel like taking it upon yourself to create your own episode of Brown University Myth Busters, then we wish you the best of luck.
Metcalf roof – The Brunonian standard. The Metcalf roof will never be uncool, and people will always want to do inappropriate things there, regardless of how stupid and dangerous it is. P.S.A. to anyone who hooks up here during the day: our Creative Nonfiction class can see you. Unless it’s your wedding proposal, you might want to wait until nightfall. Also, if parkour isn’t your thing you might want to spend a little time practicing your pull-ups at The Nelson to avoid embarrassing yourself in front of future hook-ups.
Football Field – ‘Cause it happens in the movies. Like, all of the movies. It is not necessarily out of question for a Brown student to engage in sexy time on the 50-yard line, but it is soo far away! We have a hunch that the Brown shuttles don’t run to the football field at 1 in the morning on a Friday night just because you and your partner are horny. Then again, the B.U.S. drivers are incredibly gracious, so who can really say. If you can make it there, enjoy enacting the porno version of “Rudy”.
The Rochambeau garden – If you don’t know what Rochambeau is, take a walk past Machado one day. Anyway, the French know what’s up when it comes to fancy gardens, so if you’re looking for a particularly romantic spot that is also great for some post-orgasm cuddling and stargazing, this is your place.
In the middle of Andrews Commons – We are devastated to report that at least to the extent of making out, we have photographic evidence that this is happening. When you get all hot and bothered, we do too – this isn’t the fucking Gate, so pull your shit together and let us enjoy our stir-fry in peace!
- If you’re doing it outside, grab a blanket. It might not be cold out, but mosquitoes will show no restraint on your bare ass.
- Decide how much of an exhibitionist you’d like to be.
- Accept that it’s going to be awkward if someone walks in on you, and try to take it with a sense of humor. Chances are that you’re not the first couple that a given DPS officer has had to break up before.
- Bring protection. Duh.
- Two buck chuck and solo cups increase the classy factor x50 in any situation. Franzia, not so much.
- Just go for it.
Even if you don’t have the opportunity to use any of these clutch spots this semester, we hope that the fantasy of exciting forays in
Senior Week the fall are enough to keep you truckin’.