Disclaimer: I have chosen to withhold my name from this article for one reason and one reason only: I plan to continue using these locations for my bathroom ventures. Specifically the lovely Brown/RISD Hillel. I do not want to be labeled as “that guy who told everyone to poop at Hillel.” It’s not my fault they have awesome facilities.
We’ve all been there – it’s a Thursday morning, you’re incredibly hungover, and the last place you want to be is sitting in class. As you count down the minutes until your lecture ends, you start to feel a rumbling in your stomach. Shit. Literally. All the spicy mayo you put on your fries last night at Jo’s is really starting to take its toll, and you need to go now.
We all know how deadly hangover shits can be, but the real question is, what do you do next? Where do you turn? Some people might take the gamble and try to make it back to their dorm room, but if you’re across campus, this is definitely not an option. That is why I am (reluctantly) revealing the best places on campus to poop.
I wouldn’t call myself an expert on pooping, but let’s face it, I’ve been doing it for over 20 years. After careful consideration, I’ve narrowed down the defining characteristics of what makes a perfect pooping environment. The first is obviously cleanliness. Nothing is worse than rushing into a bathroom and seeing that someone has already defiled your sanctuary. The second aspect that I look for is privacy. Pooping in silence is just clearly better than being interrupted, no explanation needed. The third, and oft overlooked aspect is ambiance. If you are setting in a grungy, albeit clean, bathroom, it is acceptable. But not ideal.
So here it is, the list of the best bathrooms to go poop in on campus:
The John Hay – Oh man. Was I excited when I found out the John Hay was opening. Not because of a great new study space or vaulted ceilings. No, I was excited because I knew with a new building comes new bathrooms. I was not disappointed. The bathrooms that are inside the Hay are quiet, well lit, and fastidiously maintained.
Above Andrews Commons – I find that study spaces often provide the best bathrooms in terms of privacy, but Andrews Commons also knocks it out of the park in terms of cleanliness and ambience. Not only are they well-cared for, but the large windows also provide great lighting and a heavenly glow to compliment your bathroom experience.
The new BERT building – As with all new buildings comes new bathroom spots. Despite its somewhat industrial feel, the new BERT building was one of the quietest spots I have ever had the pleasure of pooping in.
3rd Floor Smitty-B – This bathroom isn’t the best maintained, but it does boast some great ambiance and privacy. You can scope out most of Pembroke campus, all from the privacy of the bathroom stall. A poo with a view.
Hillel – I made sure to emphasize this one because this is the holy grail of poop stops. Not only is this well maintained, well lit, and private. IT HAS 2-PLY. Yep, you heard it here first. 2-ply toilet paper.
Bathrooms to avoid: Clearly, not all bathrooms were created equal. There are a few you should definitely avoid.
Anywhere in the Sci Li — No explanation necessary.
Underneath the Blue Room — This bathroom has such frequent use that it is no longer a viable option.
Wilson Hall – These bathrooms haven’t been updated since ‘nam.
Anywhere in the CIT – All that free kabob and curry has really taken its toll.
To quote Uncle Ben (from Spiderman), “With great power comes great responsibility.” So please, do not abuse this wealth of information I have just bestowed upon you. Now go out into the world and poop.