Lucky for you all, I know the answer to the question that has been keeping you up at night. No, it’s not the pressing matter of “Do they like me back?” or, “Did I just fail my midterm?” or even, “Should I go out tomorrow night?” But rather, I can provide you with the long-sought answer to: “If the dining halls were rappers, who would they be?” See below, and thank me later.
Andrews Commons = Drake
“Started from the bottom, now we eating pho.”
Andrews Commons is the hottest dining hall on the scene right now. It’s young, fresh, and multi-cultural. I have even heard that Andrews was on Degrassi for a while, but I’m not sure, that could just be a rumor. But in all seriousness, AC and Drake are so clearly twins (Can a person and a dining hall be twins? In this case, I’ll argue yes). Drake is everyone’s guilty pleasure, and Drake and AC can both provide happiness until the wee hours of the night. Whether you are feeling sad, hungry, happy, tired, defeated, or lonely, Drake is there for you. Slip in some headphones and bump some “Nothing Was the Same,” “Take Care,” or “Thank Me Later,” and all suddenly becomes better. Andrews provides the same source of solace; whether you are craving some nacho pizza, pho, ageless sushi, mystery calzones, or a beastly grinder, it has your back and never asks, “Are you sure you want all of that?” Finally – Drake hates breakfast, and Andrews Commons does not serve breakfast. He even raps about it –“Bank account statements just look like I’m ready for early retirement…I hate breakfast.” ‘Nuff said.
VDub = Kanye West
“I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven / When I awoke, I spent that on a chicken finger.”
No one challenges the fact that the VDub is the best true dining hall on campus. [Ed. Really?] Day after day, it brings something big and exciting to the table. Sometimes the food is controversial, or claims to be “God,” or yells at people in wheelchairs. It is the biggest name on campus, so big that people scurry from all corners of campus every Friday to fight for as many chicken fingers as possible. Many would argue that Kanye is the greatest rapper alive, but even he has put out some duds (I am looking at you 808s and Heartbreak). The same goes for the VDub: sometimes the burgers are a little too chewy, there is no clean silverware, the waffle machine is too dirty for use, or the tables are too sticky. But even though it’s a little rough around the edges, we still go back everyday and love it nonetheless. Plus, the hockey team loves the VDub, and we all know that the hockey players are the Kardashians of Brown. Oh, and the VDub has ice cream, and Kanye loves ice cream (see above for photo evidence)!
Ratty = Ice Cube
“Today I didn’t even have to use my A.K. / Then I ate at the Rattay.”
Let’s be honest, the Ratty has seen better days. It’s a classic – a staple on Brown’s campus. But my parents ate at the Ratty, and my parents are also scared of change, technology, and LOUD NOISES. It is a bit outdated, and I am convinced they have the same menu as a retirement home (really though, who the hell eats pancakes at 4p.m. in the afternoon besides my grandfather?) Do not get me wrong, the Ratty was the shit in the 80’s, just like Ice Cube. It was the Cube’s/Ratty’s world, and we were just eating in it. “No barkin from the dog, no smog / The ratty cooked a breakfast with no hog / I got my grub on, but didn’t pig out.” Even Cube had awareness about the Freshman 15 back in the day. The reason why the Ratty is still so popular is because students love to go there to hang out with friends, relax, and people-watch. It’s just like Cube – though we may not listen to him as much anymore, we still love to watch him (for example, in 21 Jump Street, Three Kings, Friday). The Ratty and Ice Cube were once about defying the man, now they kind of just are the man, but they still have our hearts.
Blue Room = Jay Z
“I got 99 points, and they are all for the Blue Room.”
Hova is the King, and kings have their needs. Needs like breakfast, muffins, paninis, curry, and the occasional burrito bowl. The Blue Room is the hookup for all of that and everything in between. Though it all comes at a high cost, “no” is simply never an answer when dealing with Jay or a Blue Room Muffin. Everyone loves Jay Z and the Blue Room – they are the center of all things popular. Plus, Jay is clearly a huge fan of all of the Blue Room’s delicious offerings: “We used to fight for building blocks/ now we fight for blocks with buildings that make a killin…and we love rum muffins and croissants.” Jay even named his baby after the Blue Room (Blue Ivy Carter, are you kidding me! That’s a sign!). I mean, guys, I can’t be making this stuff up. It is too easy. And speaking of Ivy…
Ivy Room = Macklemore
“Thrift shop, thrift shop, I am bad at rapping and love vegetarian food.”
Full-disclosure, I’ve got a pretty biased opinion on this one.
Regardless, here’s a multiple choice question: Who is the only living rapper who would eat at the Ivy Room and like it? Is it A) Macklemore.
B) Kendrick Lamar. C) Chance the Rapper. D) Kid Cudi. It’s Macklemore. If you got that question wrong, you probably LOVE the Ivy Room. Two things the Ivy Room has on Macklemore are that it is not a Seattle Seahawks fan, and it never dons anti-Semitic costumes.
Jo’s = Rick Ross
“Chicken talks, I speak fluent.”
I’m hustlin’ hustlin’ / everyday I’m hustling to Jo’s” – Rick Ross. Rick Ross is so much like Jo’s that it hurts. Jo’s is all about big, unhealthy food, and Rick is all about big, unhealthy rhymes (this is more than a fat joke though, because Jo’s does serve salads). However, everything at Jo’s moves at an insanely slow pace – what moves more slowly than the spicy with station at 2a.m. or that chopped salad line during the dinner rush? Looking at Rick, it doesn’t seem as though he’s ever hustled anywhere in his life, either. When it comes down to it, Rick and Joe are soul mates/soul man-food-pace mates. No matter how you spin it or say it, there is no better match.