SNL’s Stefon’s guide to freshman parties

Who is Stefon?

Stefon, played by Bill Hader, is a reoccurring guest from the Weekend Update portion of SNL He is a sharp diva, with a dark edge, and hilariously quirky side. He is plugged into (what he thinks are) the best parties in NYC. His plans are odd, unique and always out there. If you do not know him already, watch the video below to get a glimpse of the genius of Stefon, or watch the video below because you love him already. Why aren’t you watching this already? If Stefon were to describe the freshmen party scene at Brown, this is what we think he’d say:

Stefon Final

Brown’s hottest party is…Metcalf 2nd floor lounge. If you and your friends are looking for an unsanctioned, rowdy time, hit up the lounge. To get in just say the password: your SAT score. The party starts at 8:45 and gets shut down at 9:15 by DPS. Don’t worry, just get there early. There is watered down Vodka, beers someone stole from their dad, and some oregano that someone is pretending is weed. Show up fashionably early, and leave fashionably…early?

babies and beer

Brown’s hottest party is…Sci Li basement. If you and your friends are looking for a dry, silent party that takes place below ground, look no further. There are books, tables, chairs and even a couple of 1980 computers. Nothing screams fun like not being able to talk, studying till day break, and having to pay for printing! TURN DOWN FOR WHAT your voices, ringtones, and footsteps, have some respect! The night does not stop until your eyes pop out from reading too hard and fingers fall off from typing even harder!

library party

Brown’s hottest party is…Crew House. Literally. The hottest fucking party of all time. No need to hit the gym, just hit up the house and get your sweat on as you wait for 45 minutes for a tall guy to eventually reject giving you beer from the keg. It is just like a sauna, except you have to be 6’ 8” to have any fun.

rowers party hard

Brown’s hottest party is…Whiskey Wednesdays. Whiskey is the hook up! Whiskey has bouncers that all look like Vin Diesel, long lines, “Anaconda” on repeat, a view of the polluted Providence “bay,” and enough people to shoot a “how to” on dressing preppy and trashy at the same time. It used to be a Brown tradition, but losing traditions and getting taunted by kids you don’t know with Rhode Island accents and Red Sox back tattoos is so hot right now.

sox baby!

Brown’s hottest party is…roaming. Saturday night, from 11 to 1 am, walk around with your friends, up and down Thayer, through Wriston Quad multiple times, take a nap on the main green, or smoke a cigarette and share stories with a homeless man in an alley. You can not buy this kind of adrenaline. Looking for more? Go to Antonio’s and order all the pesto pizza and see if a gang of skateboarders will fight you for ordering the last of their favorite. Gang members love pesto.

pizza till i die

Brown’s hottest party is…getting EMS’d. Sit in your room alone and drink till you are sick. Have EMS on speed dial and call them up. Make some new friends in the medical industry, get to ride in an ambulance, and meet interesting people with stab/gun wounds in the Providence Hospital. Great networking opportunity, do not miss out.

party in the 'bulance

Brown’s hottest parties are…sponsored parties. Like waiting in lines for hours and getting “FRESHMAN” yelled at you, then standing on Wriston Quad is the move for you. Charging for entrance and ID’ing for drinks is the shit! So if you like shit…check them out.

long line

Brown’s hottest party is…Ultra. Providence’s hottest night club has it all. They have metal detectors, sticky bathrooms, locals, sweaty dudes, and an occasional shanking. Ultra made this year’s “Top 1000 things to do in Providence if you are really bored” list, just edging “eating pretzels at the mall,” “hand feeding stray pit bulls,” and “getting mugged.” Guess which two of these can be done at Ultra (hint: there are no pretzels at ultra). Do not miss a chance to get grinded on from someone wearing a tank top reading “work hard, party harder.” Also, like big name DJ’s? If you answered no, then you are in luck because anyone with an iPod, and a Jambox can DJ there!

hilary partying

Brown’s hottest party is…beerless beer pong. Running out of beer early is so in right now. So take advantage of this cool freshman trend and play beer pong with water (or vitamin water if you are feeling risky) till the break of dawn, or until you have to pee from all that room-temprature water. It is like high school, except instead having your parents there for you, your best friend is the rat who lives in your wall (I hope you are reading this Mr. Whiskers!).

Betty pong!

If you lasted this long, thank you. Now enjoy some more Stefon! I will see you roaming around on Saturday night!

STEFON BONUS STEFON bonus bonus!STEFON 2 STEFON 3

STEFON!!!

Images via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via

Leave a Reply