What it’s like to look like Ellen Degeneres and go to Brown

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When a random drunk person stumbles up to you and asks, “You know who you look like?” there are a few names that everyone wants to hear. “A better looking Ryan Gosling,” “Tom Brady, but just more muscular,” or “That hot freshman blogger Hank.” But unfortunately, this is not the case for me. In high school, my friends identified one special doppelgänger for me, and this legacy has apparently followed me to Brown.  Everyone thinks I look just like Ellen Degeneres.

There are definitely worse things to be compared to or called, so in that respect, I am not complaining. Hey, Ellen’s a great lady. It is just a little off-putting when a Starbucks barista writes Ellen on my triple, venti, soy, no foam latte without even asking. It is hard to make new friends and socialize when everyone is expecting you to do an Ellen dance and rattle off some jokes. But this constant comparison has got me thinking; maybe its not such a bad thing! Maybe, in fact, it’s great.

Who doesn’t love Ellen? She’s America’s sweetheart (sorry Beyonce).

Here is what Ellen’s show would be like if she went to Brown…and if she were me.

Ellen

She hosted the Oscars, she made taking a selfie look cool, she was in “Finding Nemo,” and she is an amazing dancer. What would Ellen be like at Brown, though? Well lucky for you, and unlucky for me (sorry midterms), this is all I have been thinking about, and now I have the answers for you.

Ellen is a creative person who would definitely concentrate within the humanities. She seems like the type of person who loves reading; we already know she is a big fan of “50 Shades of Grey.” She is a published writer, with a great sense of humor and quick wit, which make English and Literary Arts seem like easy choices for possible concentrations. One thing we know for sure about Ellen is that she likes to dance, so perhaps she would delve into Theater Arts/Performance Studies. Or maybe Ellen would design her own concentration and study “How to make busting a move in a sweater vest and jeans look cool.”

Whatever subject Ellen decided to study at Brown, it wouldn’t matter, because she would make it hers and make it awesome. Ellen would definitely live in Hotel Andrews Andrews, because no other dorm is nice enough to deserve her presence. She would eat off-campus for every meal – I get the sense that Ellen is a fan of good food. She probably would eat at Al Forno, Bacaro, or Cafe Nuovo because Ellen loves Italian food and clearly has a good amount of money in the bank.

Ellen would not just eat at Chipotle, but buy the Thayer Chipotle franchise, give everyone a free burrito bowl, and then turn it into a hip new store that sells only white sneakers. Classic Ellen Move.

Ellen would be the queen of the social scene at Brown. Everyone would be texting Ellen on a Friday night asking, “What u up to dog?” “We partying tonight lol?” “Suppppppppppp” or  “Yo where u at?” (I apologize for my lame attempts at a typical college text). Ellen of course would respond, and she would invite everyone to whatever sweet party she was hosting in what-used-to-be-Chipotle because Ellen is generous (hah, get it?), not catty, and never ignores texts. She would even give you a free t-shirt and a copy of her new book if you came to her party. Boom, you just got Ellen’d!

Here are some pictures of Ellen/Hank (me) around campus!

Ellen/Hank dancing around Faunce!

Some kid freaking out that Ellen/Hank is ordering a Blue Room muffin behind him. Classic!

Ellen/Hank always playing around in big chairs!

Ellen/Hank loves Bears!

Ellen/Hank always thinking, so studious!

Ellen/Hank just goofing around on the steps, just like Ellen/Hank love to do!

Ellen/Hank love Vita Coco, just kidding Vita Coco sucks. Ellen/Hank hate Vita Coco.

With all that being said, it sounds like Ellen would be a great addition to the Brown campus. Sadly, Ellen has a talk show, and does not have time to go to school. This is where it gets tricky for me; though I am not as talented, smart, funny, generous or wealthy as Ellen, I have been given her pale complexion, blonde flow, and love for J-Crew. I don’t want to disappoint people, but nothing crushes someone’s excitement when they pull out their Dory lunch box asking for an autograph in line at the Blue Room like my telling them I am not actually the daytime talk show host they think I am.

I never know if people like me for who I am, or like me for who they might think I am. For example, I often have TONS of girls walking up and introducing themselves to me; they are so flirty, chatty and friendly. However, when I tell them I am in fact not Ellen, they immediately seem disinterested and walk away. I don’t get it though…what did I say? People  are always like “Hey, do you have Justin Bieber’s number?” “Do you have Timberlake on snapchat?” or “What does Beyonce smell like?” Folks, I’m sorry, I don’t know anything! I am from Boston, I am scared of heights, I am allergic to cats, and I have never been within 1,000 miles of Beyonce (But if I were to guess, I’d imagine she probably smells like heaven). I am tired of peers looking to me at parties to learn some dancing tips. Just because I am wearing a J-Crew pantsuit, does not mean I have had my own stand up special and am a dancing fiend! I cannot dance. In fact, when I try, I look like a baby giraffe who is attempting to walk for the first time. Not a good look.

Baby Giraffe

I am sorry Brunonians, I really wish I could be Ellen. Life as Ellen would be a lot easier than life as an overwhelmed, male freshman who just happens to look like Ellen.

The comparison is too easy, I am not even sure if I am one of those two!

The only things Ellen and I have in common are our hair styles, wardrobes, and talent for selfies. But until people realize who I actually am, I plan on riding this Ellen doppelgänger train to the end. So keep an eye out for a Facebook event this week – I think Ellen Degeneres is going to host a pre-game in Pembroke, and everyone who is a fan is invited (there will be no free shirts or free anything of any kind).

Ellen

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