We rewrote Bound 2 in honor of Jesse Watters

Jesse and us

Jesse Watters has returned from the depths of the abyss that is FOX News’s New York office to comment alongside Bill “Falafel” O’Reilly on the cancellation of the “giant sex party” that is SexPowerGod. Speculating about why the party was called off, Papa Bear Bill insisted that the decision came from the administration, while Jesse correctly (Ed. I can’t believe he actually corrected the boss-man) pointed out that the University did not shut the party down.

Watters, who is THIRTY-SIX YEARS OLD and still trying to make a career out of alternately hitting on and making fun of college students, chalked the cancellation up to SPG having gotten “a little nasty.” Poor word choice when describing alleged sexual assaults and ER visits that stemmed from the party. Since we don’t want to dignify the clip too much by embedding it in this post, you can watch it here.

O’Reilly jokes on the new segment that Jesse needs to come back because the Brown student populace misses him, but it seems that Jesse misses us. The man has visited us annually for the past three years!

Between drinking games and hard-hitting interviews, BlogDH had almost exhausted our arsenal of potential responses to this guy’s creepy, childish shit. Key word: almost. One thing we hadn’t done is rewrite an infamous Kanye West song to make it applicable to our perverse, long distance love affair with Jesse Watters (a la Seth Rogen and James Franco).

Well, now we (read: Caitlin Dorman ’16) have done that, and it wasn’t too difficult of an adaptation. In fact, there is so much romantic tension between Jesse Watters and us that the most difficult part of the whole process was blending the skin tones of Jesse’s face with Kim Kardashian’s neck.

Jesse, baby, we hope you like it:

Bound 2 (Be on FOX News)

Bound to be on Fox News

Bound to be on Fox News (uh huh Jesse)

 

All the other schools lame and you know it now

When a real school parties, you supposed to frown

 

Bound to be on Fox News

Bound to be on Fox News (uh huh Jesse)

What you doing in Prov on a Thursday

You say you only here for Jesus birthday

Last name Watters but yet you still thirsty

Only a segment but you already turned thirty

We know we gotta bad reputation

Protesting – always mad reputation

Ruth Simmons gone – sad reputation

Start nudity week – fad reputation

We turnt a lingerie party out of a basement

We’ll form a committee, your ass keep complaining

How you gonna be mad at integration

Running ‘round all these important conversations

Uh, this that calm shit

This what I do you can tell my mom shit

This that body acceptance all over the lawn shit

With the fresh phes, context is the bomb, bitch

 

We know, you’re tired, of reporting, of reporting

Things that aren’t real news, that aren’t, real news

 

Close your eyes and let our bodies paint a thousand pictures

One good cause is worth all the Christmas fixtures

 

Bound to be on Fox news

Bound to be on Fox news (uh huh Jesse)

 

We want to take your mind to the brink

After that, give you something to think

Step back, try not making a stink

We mean damn, what would Walter Kronky Kronky Kronk think?!

Hey, you remember when we first met?

All right, none of us were at Brown when we first met

But hey, 2005 was the first step

 And hey, you know ain’t nobody perfect

And hey, you know, that O’Reilly got the worst rep

But hey, it’s our bodies we trying to accept

And hey, so we cancelled the event

Cause hey, unwanted violence it would prevent

So you think that sexual assault is “messy”?

Come here, do a segment on that Jesse

Maybe, we can still reach an understanding

But first you got to stop the reprimanding

After all these silly ass segments

We tired, you tired, Josiah wept

 

We know, you’re tired, of reporting, reporting

Things that aren’t real news, that aren’t, real news

So stop being shoddy, no more crashing our parties

Cause this isn’t real news, it’s not, real news

Yeah yeah

 *Oooh literally try anything else ooooohh*

 

BlogDH is in the house, watch your mouth

BlogDH is in the house, watch your mouth

 

Bound to fall in love

Brown and Jesse in love? (Uh huh honey)

A parting message to Mr. O’Reilly and his team: Please, please, PLEASE send Jesse Watters back here. We miss him almost as much as he misses us. Let’s hope he’ll still be interviewing Brunonians 10 years from now.

Image via Jason Hu ’15

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