How to roast people at Brown…or at least try to

People getting on your nerves? Looking to take them down a peg? Tired of not having a good insult for that guy in the Blue Room who makes fun of you for not cuffing your jeans? Sick of having your roommate always get the last word in when you are arguing about who left the window open and let all the ferrets in? Over the frat bros laughing at you as you trip and fall, breaking your Volcano replica, in Wriston Quad? Not having everyone on campus calling you Ellen after one silly blog post (shameless self-promotion)? Well, no worries, because there is one easy solution, and that is learning how to roast your haters, Brown style.

Hank, what is roasting? Roasting is an art form best enraptured by Michael Gary Scott in the clip below:

While Michael is a phenomenal roaster, he is too mean for Brown standards. Also his jokes don’t really apply to most Brown situations. So here are some useful, non-offensive roasts you are more than welcomed to use at anytime to anyone who gets in your grill. Prepare to roast!

You take all your classes pass/fail, Boom Roasted!

You only eat the Ratty, Boom Roasted!

You never sexile your roommate, Boom Roasted!

You own boat shoes, but not a boat, Boom Roasted! [Ed. You own boat shoes, Boom Roasted]

You say “let’s get turnt,” Boom Roasted!

You don’t know what you are going to concentrate in, Boom Roasted!

You don’t live in Andrews, Boom Roasted!

Your roommate is the “cool roommate,” Boom Roasted!

Your Birkenstocks have holes in them, Boom Roasted!

If I were a muffin in the Blue Room, you couldn’t afford me, Boom Roasted!

You stick your tongue out during photos, Boom Roasted! (Okay fine, I do this, but I burnt my tongue in a tragic ramen noodle incident)

fuck you Ramen, so hot but so good!

Fuck you ramen noodles, so hot but so good!

You have used the word “bae,” Boom Roasted!

You are out of points, Boom Roasted!

You have no socks left, Boom Roasted!

You are too lazy to walk to Darwin’s so you just drink Listerine, Boom Roasted!

You sit alone on the Main Green because your friends are five minutes late, Boom Roasted!

You use the laundry service, Boom Roasted! (I use the laundry service, but that is because I am color blind and always mix my whites and colors.)

You pay your RPLs for the condoms, Boom Roasted!

You got a 2390 on SATS, Boom Roasted!

You have a great taste in music, Boom Roasted!

Your professors didn’t make you buy their books, because they were are all online, Boom Roasted!

Your mom responds to your texts, Boom Roasted!

You get tons of friend requests, Boom Roasted!

Your grandparents send you care packages, Boom Roasted!

You change clothes daily, Boom Roasted!

You got in ED, Boom Roasted!

You go to the gym and care about your body, Boom Roasted

You have a good Instagram ratio, Boom Roasted!

You study in the Always Quiet Room, and care about your grades, Boom Roasted!

Your hair looks like a mess, what did you stay up late studying and not have time to get yourself ready in the morning? Boom Roasted.

Your parents are successful and happily married, Boom Roasted!

Your siblings miss you, Boom Roasted!

Sweet, you guys are a happily family. Lame. Boom Roasted

Sweet, you guys are a happy family. Lame. Boom Roasted!

You didn’t want to go on a date with me because I have no game, Boom Roasted!

I liked your profile picture, and you didn’t like mine back, Boom Roasted! (But honestly, like my profile picture. Please. Please. PLEASE.)

You play a variety sport, and can bench press more than me, Boom Roasted!

Your dog loves you, mine despises me, Boom Roasted!

You got into a capella, and I am tone deaf, Boom Roasted

You aren’t allergic to nuts, but I am, Boom Roasted!

You are not as self conscious as I am, Boom Roasted!

Wow that escalated quickly. Got super real, super fast. I feel good, that was therapeutic. You know what, maybe don’t insult people. Just be nice. I am going to go and call my mom.

P.S. Like my profile picture. Please. I really need this. Please.

Image via.

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