Things you may find at Commons [Ed. Wait, is Commons a thing?!], Jo’s, or a similar late-night eating establishment at 1 a.m.: drunk people, lost umbrellas and water bottles, late-night studiers or socializers, and trash — an endless sea of garbage. Trash is oozing out of the garbage cans, accumulating on the tables, staining the carpet, the chairs, and our consciousness. There is nowhere to hide! Grab your hazmat suit and galoshes! AHH!
Okay, perhaps that is an exaggeration, but trash does seem to be a major problem here on campus. Haphazard piles of trash lay abandoned on tables along with half-finished drinks, wrappers, and used napkins. This doesn’t just happen at Commons or Jo’s late at night, trash seems to be left everywhere — cups in the hallways, chip bags in the bushes, and even an aggressively yellow condom in a dorm stairwell. (What a hiLARious prank!)
Do I have to explain to you why you should pick up after yourself? I probably shouldn’t have to, but here it goes. Let’s break this down. As you walked away from the table, you looked back at your piles of trash and thought, “That’s not my problem.” And that’s not okay.
You left an abstract masterpiece painted out of ketchup and mustard on the table and thought, “I should leave this for the world to see.” You spilled half a pizza on the floor, looked down, and thought, “Someone else will deal with it.” You suck.
“But…but,” you may be thinking, “I have an excuse!” Do tell. “The trash can was too far away, and it was already full.” Walk to another one, you rank lima bean. “But… but… it’s not my problem. We pay people to do that for me.” Well yes, lovely people from BUDS and facilities do work to keep Brown eateries hygienic and neat, but it should not have to be their job to wipe up the excess debris from your drunken or just inconsiderate escapades. “But… but… trash is gross.” So are you, you worthless grapefruit. Gross.
That said, perhaps there are a few select scenarios in which it would be feasibly acceptable to leave your garbage lying about. Let’s examine five of them:
- [Insert famous attractive celebrity (or alternatively, that hottie in your math class)] and you both swiped right on Tinder, and said individual wants to ‘hangout’ with you right now.
Okay, if you have to run, run. Check yourself out in your phone’s front-facing camera, and sprint out the door. Coitus is awaiting (but first, throw away your trash, you nasty).
- You fell asleep mid-chew.
We’ve all been there. After you wake up, brush those crumbs off your cheek and guide that trash into its proper home.
- The only trash you left was the intangible remnants of your deferred hopes, dreams, and aspirations.
Sad, but acceptable. Pick yourself up by the bootstraps and carry on. Ça s’arrangera, mon ami/e.
- You are making an interactive art piece commenting on society’s disregard for throwing away trash.
Apt, subtle, and thought provoking, as long as it’s not a permanent installation. Perhaps you can title it something like “Abandonment (Physical Remnants in a Digital Age)”?
- The Blue Room muffin or bowl of Andrews pho you just ate was so beautiful and transcendental that you don’t want to throw it away, because you would lose the only remnants you have of that transformative experience.
A little strange, but understandable. Maybe take that wrapper or bowl back to your dorm and make, like, a shrine or something? Just don’t leave it here.
TL;DR — Don’t be a shitty person. Throw away your trash. Do it for the good karma, to keep Brown looking clean, or just because it’s the right thing to do.