The 250th anniversary celebrations were so much fun. Sadly, they’re behind us now, and we have nothing else to distract us from our studies. But fear not! Using BlogDH’s time-travel machine, I have visited the future and return bearing good news: If you thought the 250th celebrations were fun, you’re going to love Brown’s 500th anniversary extravaganza. Here are some of the best events on the docket for 2264:
Friday, September 23rd, 2264
The party kicks off with the ceremonial unfreezing of Noam Chomsky, who has been preserved Han Solo-style in the SciLi basement since 2015. Light refreshments will be served.
Three words: Robochicken finger Friday!
At seven, the football game against Harvard. Brown victory guaranteed.
Ferries to the mainland will leave every half hour from the Benefit Street Waterfront (Note for 2014 readers: Due to rising sea levels, College Hill will be all that’s left of Rhode Island by 2264. While this is certainly unfortunate for everyone, it finally validates the naming of the state Rhode “Island.”)
Scuba tours of the RISD Museum will also be offered throughout the day. (Note for 2014 readers: We have no one to blame but ourselves.)
Saturday, September 24th, 2264
In the afternoon, join us in Metcalf Auditorium for a special address by Buddy Cianci, who is currently running for his 58th term as mayor. His entire campaign platform is that Waterfire would be even sicker now that all of downtown Providence is flooded.
Come dance your socks off to a performance by Snoop Dogg/Lion’s hologram on the C. Pax Quad (formerly Main Green). Or you can even attend a special performance by Do Re Mi Uranus, Brown’s premier extraterrestrial a cappella group at the Watson Institute for Intergalactic Studies.
Fireworks. Lots and lots and lots of fireworks.
Sunday, September 25th, 2264
Ceremonial burning of all the Imagine Brown 250+ signs.
A rally on C. Pax Quad demanding that the Corporation divest immediately from companies involved in unsustainable and exploitative practices of Moon Cheese harvesting.
Releasing a dozen actual brown bears onto campus. Pamplona is for sissies.
For the narwhals that think they’re people: A colloquium on overcoming the Cetacean/Homo sapien dichotomy.
In the most anticipated event
of the weekend of the century ever, BlogDailyHerald will finally reveal the secret of its multi-centennial success that has allowed it to take over the entire Internet and become the preeminent news and entertainment source of the Universe! (Spoiler alert for 2014 readers: It’s because they use a lot of funny gifs.)