The ubiquitous chair. The companion of human laziness since chairs were referred to as “sitting things.” They were around even before the first human to ever sit, ever sat. Probably.
But if only they could speak. Oh, the stories they’d tell.
Luckily, while I was pulling an all-nighter for a midterm, a chair started talking to me.
If you thought Brown students were cool, wait till you hear what Brown chairs have to say.
Me: “So, Mr. Chair, how is it like being a chair?”
Chair: *shivers* “All this booty..”
Me: “Do you have a name?”
Chair: “All this booty.”
Me: “…”
Chair: “Sorry about that. Booty got me day-dreamin’.
I guess it’s not all that bad. It pays the bills.
The name’s Fred, by the way.”
Me: “Okay, Fred. Can you stop talking about butts?
My audience may not approve.”
Fred: “Uhm. Rude. It’s literally on my mind every day.
So excuse me.”
Me: “I’m so–”
Fred: “And you know what’s worse?
I’m not even into butts! People just don’t seem to get it.”
Me: “Can I j–”
Fred: “Standing is a social construct.”
Critics are practically begging me to make a documentary.
New York Times reporter: “Kid, get that script away from my face. I’m trying to eat. How did you even get in here?!”
Chicago Tribune reporter: “I’m calling the cops.”
Brown Daily Herald reporter: “Do people even want to read this?”
Mom: “The @$#! are you doing in college?!”
…
Each copy of the documentary will come with a free copy of the amazing new picture book of quotes, Fred — The Chair that Could.
Here’s a preview:
“Helping you butt-dial since the 7th grade.”
“At least I’m not a toilet.”
“At least I’m not a Sci-Li toilet.”
Sci-Li bathrooms
“Sometimes I feel as if I don’t do anything. Then I remember the seats in Congress.”
“It’s not so bad being a chair. All I do is sit around.”
“Turned up last night.”
“Oh, my god. Look at-her-butt.”
“A moment of silence for the chairs of Andrews patio when winter comes.”
Game of thrones. Get it? (Thrones are also chairs)
“A moment of silence for my Ratty brethren.”
Because Ratty.
“Stand by me. Just stand. It’s a metaphor. You give the human the power to sit, but you don’t let them.”
“I want to get with another chair some day and make loveseat.”
I feel a spark between us.
“My anaconda don’t. My anaconda don’t. My anaconda don’t want none because you’re not a chair. Bye.”
…
Coming soon to chairs near you.
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