I’m not bitter at all, I swear. Really. My parents aren’t coming this weekend and I’m totally fine with that. Like totally. Someone has to watch Millionaire Matchmaker, and Million Dollar Listing, and Mystery Millionaire, and if it’s not going to be my parents, who’s it going to be? They’re heroes, so it’s A-okay with me that they don’t want to drive a whole two hours to see me this weekend. I can have fun anyway. Here’s what to do if your parents
don’t love you aren’t coming this Parents’ Weekend:
Go to the a capella/comedy shows
Everyone whose parents think they are worth travelling for (joke! It’s a joke!) will have to be sober for these shows, but you get to be drunk! Lucky you! At improv shows, you can make fun suggestions like, “mama’s boy!”, and “I’m not neurotic!”. You might dwell a little on the possibility that your parents just may have come to see you if you were funny or could sing or had any other talent.
Go out to dinner with your friend’s family
Your friend’s parents are oozing with parental affection and they are ready to cover you in it if you’re in the proximity. Maybe pretend they’re your parents. “Woah, Ms. and Mr. __________, this food sure is good! I’ve been living off of chocolate because I haven’t gone grocery shopping in weeks. See, I’m letting myself go and don’t really see the point anymore.”
Call home to assert how fine you are
Say things like, “yeah I’m great!”, “Yeah SO busy, good thing you guys didn’t come”, “midterm season, you know? I would barely have any time for you anyway”, and “what? You’re not doing anything? Just hanging around? Sounds fun!”. Consider that your parents might see this article, but then remember that they don’t read BlogDH despite your repeated pleas that they, just, like, check it out. Lots of villains were obsessed with pleasing their parents, like the guy from Inception and the Green Goblin’s son. What a relief that you and your parents are in a really good mental place where you don’t feel inadequate at all, so you won’t become evil. You definitely won’t become evil. People without parents at all turn out great, like Annie and Oliver.
Though they could sing.