Dear Sayles Hall,
How are you? For 133 years old, you’re looking great. You’ve been a loving host to student group rehearsals, SPEC events, and The Housing Games (RIP). Heck, you have even been to SPG! Have I mentioned you have the largest remaining Hutchings-Votey pipe organ in the world?! Seriously, thnks4themmrs and way to be you.
Hey, there is something I’ve wanted to talk to you about. I’ve been on staff here at BlogDH for three years and have never written a Flog. I’ve never really wanted to because I hate complaining and I seek to see the glass half-full as frequently as possible. Until now.
I’m quite bad at confrontation and don’t want this to come as a shock to you. Please bear with me as I try to express my feelings. I will even try to speak from the “I” perspective. What I’ve been meaning to tell you is that your bathrooms are literally the worst thing about this entire institution for higher learning.
Was that too harsh?
Let me explain myself. We can start by talking about the location of your facilities. Your only bathrooms are located in the basement of the building, which is an absurd amount of steps away from your third floor
dungeon. I could also get into all of the sense that your stairs lack, but I digress.
Given my abnormally small bladder, I always face this dilemma as to whether I should commit myself to hiking the literal Oregon Trail to get to your facilities or if I should just suffer the bladder discomfort. Also, seriously my bad if I’m taking this the wrong way, but it seems that you are proud of this trek and wear it as a badge of honorable character. You really shouldn’t, Sayles. I dare you to have one more sign telling me that your only bathrooms are located in the basement. Also stop sugar-coating it by calling it “the lower level.” It is the basement.
Speaking of discomfort, it seems that I, or really any human at this school, can’t seem to actually fit in your stalls. This also brings me social discomfort because every time I’m in your facilities, I feel the need to crack a joke about this being a “bathroom for ants” and usually get seriously judged by the other students, professors, and ants in proximity. This just makes everyone uncomfortable.
How do you think this guy would feel if he tried to fit in the bathroom stall and realized he was too big? Sweatpants are the only thing that fit him right now.
I really wouldn’t normally complain about small stalls in which my knees are crushed against against the door and into which I can barely fit my body, however, here is the kicker: your ladies room has SO MUCH SPACE. I would understand if it were to make room for diaper-changing tables or something useful, but you have a space in the ladies room, double the size of where the stalls are, with an extremely thin shelf, barely large enough to hold my backpack, a large mirror, and NOTHING ELSE.
I have wasted so many of my hours during my time at Brown mulling over all of the intentions for this space. Were you trying to build a venue for acceptable mirror pictures? I get that you’re really old, but MySpace isn’t a thing anymore. The times they are a changin’.
Anyway, I am sorry if this came across as abrupt. I will leave you with a phrase that my mother always says to me: “I love you, you’re perfect, now change.”
With (some) love,
Images via Charlotte Bilski ’16.