Heavy Petting is great. Most of us love petting dogs, and the dogs are usually happy to have their stomachs rubbed and their heads scratched. The dogs are also free to move away from the people petting them. Last week’s Super Heavy Petting brought Heaving Petting to the next level by bringing in baby farm animals. The event was a hit among students. The animals seemed less enthused. We can only imagine what these animals thought of the experience, but I know you all have great imaginations, so let’s give it a shot.
“Look how cute it is!” they all say, “Isn’t she adorable?” Get over yourselves. I don’t know what’s going on in your life, but is stuffing me into a straitjacket really going to help? Go pet a dog. I hear they totally get off on this stuff.”
—Muffin, the rabbit
—Mittens, the puppy
“I was shocked when I learned how Brown students treated the SciLi ducks. For weeks students cordoned off the ducks’ nest to respect their security and privacy. When the ducklings hatched students stopped traffic to help them get to the water, where the ducks could be happy because they would be safe from human contact. And yet somehow these same students support tying me in a blanket and fondling me for two hours. I don’t get it.”
—Frederick, the duckling
“Can’t you see that I’m trying to escape down the hallway? Maybe next year they’ll bind my legs as well.”
—Pineapple, the Goat
“Does our perceived cuteness validate handling us like dolls for two hours straight? The least you could do is give us the freedom to move away. At least in a cage we can escape your groping hands when we want to.”
—Cupcake, the bunny
“How would you feel if King Kong picked you up out of your house, wrapped you like a human burrito, and brought you into his giant gorilla class for show-and-tell?”
—Fuzzy, the bunny
Images via Ari Snider.