FlogDailyHerald: Pumpkins are just fucking squashes

We are deep inside the warm, tender belly of autumn, the season in which everything tastes like pumpkin. Likely noticing the success and marketability and of Starbuck’s Pumpkin Spice Lattes, every company seems to be jumping onto this food fad, spewing out mutant variation after variation. Let’s examine some of these questionable food relatives, none of which have any business being pumpkin flavored:

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Pumpkin Pie Pringles — Offensive. Pringles cannot possibly believe anyone would actually like eating these.

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Pumpkin pie vodka — #turnip

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Pumpkin marshmallows — Can you not?

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Pumpkin dog treats — Now you want to force your dog to join you in consuming solely pumpkin-flavored things? Shame on you.

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Pumpkin spice Hershey kisses — You want to make white chocolate, aka just bad chocolate, even worse by adding squashy undertones.

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Pumpkin spice seltzer — *slow blink*

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Pumpkin spice gum – Stop it.

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Pumpkin air freshener — You really want your house to smell like a pumpkin? What the hell does pumpkin even smell like? Oh, that’s right. Squash. Fucking squash.

You get the idea. It’s out of control.

To defeat our enemy, we must first better understand it. Pumpkins and its close relatives are all members of the diverse Cucurbitaceae family, which includes the iconic orange pumpkins and those twisty, phallic ornamental gourds people decorate their Thanksgiving tables with, even though they look like they have genital warts. In the United States, any orange, round member of this family is likely called a “pumpkin,” a word with no scientific meaning, just fabricated to distract us from the fact that they’re just orange fucking squashes.

Starbucks sells on average 20 million of its infamous PSLs every year, which contain no actual pumpkin. “Pumpkin spice” just consists of the spices cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves, along with 50 grams of sugar (in a Grande). If you want to know what a real pumpkin tastes like, go to Whole Foods, purchase an orange 10-pounder, chunk it up, and boil it for an hour. It will taste awful. And sad.

Maybe I’m being too harsh on our orange, fleshy friends. While pumpkin spice is a fraud, exploited by food companies to target our society’s weakness for festive, seasonal items, perhaps pumpkins themselves are not the enemy. Let’s examine some appropriate uses of pumpkins. I am an authoritative source on this matter, a professional. Trust my judgement.

  • Pie — Always.
  • Jack-o-Lanterns — aka carving a face into a glorified gourd and leaving it on your doorstep to slowly rot, amusing and frightening passerbys. Classic.
  • Pumpkin soup — I guess this is okay, because you are consuming the squash in the way it was meant to be served, viciously blended until all that remains is a violent orange color and the taste of regret.
  • Pumpkin seeds — Acceptable, though I’m not sure why you’d ever willingly eat these, unless you are a bird. Are you a bird?
  • Punkin chunkins— A wonderful American cultural tradition, in which pumpkins are launched by catapults, trebuchets, slingshots, and cannons, upwards of 4,000 feet in distance. The World Championship Punkin Chunkin is held in my home state, Delaware. It’s awesome.
  • As a murder weapon — See above
  • As a form of transportation — If you can find a big enough pumpkin, a fairy godmother, and grounds for a rags to riches story, harness that big boy to some horses. Off to the ball you go, Cinderelly Cinderelly. Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo!

Remember: Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. This applies to growing facial hair, punching people, doing hard drugs, and putting pumpkin in foods. Just remember, despite anyone’s attempts to trick you into thinking otherwise, pumpkins are just fucking squashes.

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