We all know that Halloween has one soul (sole. It’s a pun. Like ghosts. Forget it.) purpose. It’s not scantily clad ladies or bags of different kinds of candy that you trade for bags of only Reese’s. It is not for worshipping Satan, the Prince of Darkness, and finally, it’s not, as this confused Google search suggests, for the Grinch (who is a distinctly Christmas character).
No, Halloween is for scaring the shit out of people, and anyone who says anything different (be they sex maniacs, candy lovers, Satanists, or Grinch fans), is kidding themselves. To that end, here are the best places on campus to jump out and say “BOO!”
1. From behind corners.
2. Bathroom stalls
Really, it’s genius. “Ladada just minding my own business. Just gonna check HuffPo while I take a quick shit and hope I don’t see someone I know. I’ll just open the door—“ BOO. Their belt is half undone, their pants fall to their ankles, and you walk away with 10 points for Gryffindor. It’s perfect. People going to the bathroom are so unsuspecting and so trusting that everyone in the bathroom is on the same page and won’t try anything tricky. But not you, you comic genius. Not you.
3. Slam yourself against a window
As demonstrated by that scene in The Dark Knight where that dead faux-Batman body slams against the mayor’s window, this is a scary move for real. Because in the fall, people are so into looking out of their windows like it’s a fun, normal, safe thing, never anticipating the danger that can emerge from the foliage. In this scenario, you are the danger. Danger is your middle name. Good windows include those weird shaped ones on the MCM building, the ones on the basement level of the Rock (THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR STUDYING DURING HALLOWEEK), and the ones on the top of Faunce (as long as no one sees you coming).
4. Under someone’s bed/in someone’s closet
College students think they’re such hot shit, not being afraid of monsters under their bed (except the monster under my bed which is very real but also friendly). Well the boogie man is real and the boogie man is you. Alternatively, you can do this move from next to their bed, to right above their face. Either way, be careful of the hazards. Nothing ruins a scare like bumping your head trying to jump out from a bed or getting punched in the face by the reflexes of a scared, sleeping person.
5. From a pile of leaves
This will take some planning, but I promise the rewards definitely outweigh the preparatory trouble you’ll have to go. There are leaves everywhere. The season (fall) is named after the thing they do to land on the ground. That’s how many leaves there are. Nature is preparing to die for sixth months, and it’s up to you to use it while you got it. Wear autumnal colors, wake up early, bury yourself in leaves, and wait for the first person to come by. Bonus points if they’re holding coffee so that they can spill on themselves.
Words of advice:
Saying “BOO” in large places with lots of people will not scare anyone. It will make you look weird.
Saying “BOO” while chasing someone down the street does not send the message you want to send.
Saying “BOO” is not appropriate after Halloween