We have 364 days of the year to brainstorm costume ideas. Some ideas are seen to fruition and some crash and burn. When I was younger, I was a witch from kindergarten until fourth grade. I wasn’t very creative. In high school, I never transitioned over to buying trashy costumes when all of my friends did – in fact, I bought a banana suit freshman year. However, I did get slightly more creative throughout each year of high school and during my time at Brown by dressing up as a different kind of banana each year. My crowning achievement was the sex-ed banana. No, I’m not kidding – I walked around in a banana suit with a garbage bag rolled up on my head.
Anyway, I like to think that my obsession with this banana suit was some kind of a psycho-sexual-Freudian-thing. I was a sexually repressed teenager who went to a very conservative high school. And what’s happened to me now? I’m a sex writer.
That being said, I’ve done some brainstorming about what I think other people’s costumes mean about their sexuality:
Punny costume: We get it, you think you’re clever. But you also believe in the g-spot and know a thing or two about how to use your tongue.
Group costume: You’re only confident enough to go out with a group of friends. Nevertheless, I see a threesome in your future.
Lingerie with animal ears: If Mean Girls sets any kind of precedent, Amy Poehler will be popping through your doorway tonight asking if you need any snacks…or a condom.
No costume: You are either lazy, or over Halloween. Either way, that doesn’t bode too well in terms of your enthusiasm in the bedroom.
Cartoon character: Some people just really like watching 90s cartoons on Netflix. Bottom line, you’d rather spoon than 69.
Phallic costume: You want to get some, but you’re probably still a virgin.
Pokémon: You’re into some kinky shit.
Sexualized version of a common children’s costume: Sometimes wearing a sexy police officer costume is all you need in order to project to the world that you’d be a really good dominatrix.
Zombie: Tina Belcher, anyone?
Have a sexy Halloween,