Sextion: What your Halloween costume says about your sexuality

We have 364 days of the year to brainstorm costume ideas. Some ideas are seen to fruition and some crash and burn. When I was younger, I was a witch from kindergarten until fourth grade. I wasn’t very creative. In high school, I never transitioned over to buying trashy costumes when all of my friends did – in fact, I bought a banana suit freshman year. However, I did get slightly more creative throughout each year of high school and during my time at Brown by dressing up as a different kind of banana each year. My crowning achievement was the sex-ed banana. No, I’m not kidding – I walked around in a banana suit with a garbage bag rolled up on my head.

Anyway, I like to think that my obsession with this banana suit was some kind of a psycho-sexual-Freudian-thing. I was a sexually repressed teenager who went to a very conservative high school. And what’s happened to me now? I’m a sex writer.

That being said, I’ve done some brainstorming about what I think other people’s costumes mean about their sexuality:

Punny costume: We get it, you think you’re clever. But you also believe in the g-spot and know a thing or two about how to use your tongue.

Sex Tape

Group costume: You’re only confident enough to go out with a group of friends. Nevertheless, I see a threesome in your future.

group

Lingerie with animal ears: If Mean Girls sets any kind of precedent, Amy Poehler will be popping through your doorway tonight asking if you need any snacks…or a condom.

mean-girls-halloween-costume

No costume: You are either lazy, or over Halloween. Either way, that doesn’t bode too well in terms of your enthusiasm in the bedroom.

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Cartoon character: Some people just really like watching 90s cartoons on Netflix. Bottom line, you’d rather spoon than 69.

daria-

Phallic costume: You want to get some, but you’re probably still a virgin.

blow here

Pokémon: You’re into some kinky shit.

pokemon

Sexualized version of a common children’s costume: Sometimes wearing a sexy police officer costume is all you need in order to project to the world that you’d be a really good dominatrix.

police

Zombie: Tina Belcher, anyone?

tine belcher

 

Have a sexy Halloween,

Margaret

 

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