If you’re living on campus, there’s a good chance you recently received a “HEALTH AND SAFETY INSPECTIONS” email. These room inspections start this week and, depending on the dorm, continue until Thanksgiving. There’s no reason to panic – ResLife has no intention of snooping through your stuff. However, in case you’re feeling a little more creative than just putting whatever-that-“illegal”-thing-is in a drawer, here are some alternative hiding places you can utilize in order to avoid the fine.
(Note: All of the listed bold items have been taken directly from ResLife’s webpage.)
Appliances and cooking devices: Easy. Hide these in the communal kitchen.
Barbeque grill: If we’re talking George Forman here, your best bet is to hide it in the Gate where they’ll blend in with all the forgotten panini makers. If we’re talking BeerBQ equipment, donate it to a frat who will give it a loving home.
Candles: With a hefty fine of $100 per candle, you’re going to want to hide these somewhere confusing enough that no one will ever find them. I’d suggest somewhere in the stacks of the Rock, especially because they tend to get very dark (and creepy) late at night.
Canopies/tapestries: Lay these out on your bed, and boom! “Is that a hazard?” “Nope, definitely just a trendy blanket.”
Firewood: Go the the Prince Lab and make something out of your firewood! According to this list, birdhouses and toolboxes are totally fair game to have in your dorm.
Fireworks: This one goes beyond Brown regulations, as Rhode Island law also technically bans “non-explosive” and “non-aerial” fireworks. Which leaves me wondering: what kind of fireworks are left? To play it safe, hide these on the front of University Hall in the shape of “250.”
Furniture: Wait, what?
Halogen torchieres: These are pretty tall, so they’re gonna be hard to get out of the room. You’ll have to disguise them instead.
Holiday decorations: Wrap them up and hide ’em under the Christmas tree in your dorm.
Incense: Store in a Febreeze bottle. Alternatively, if it’s pine-scented incense, hide it in the Christmas tree also.
Lofts, Platform Beds: Totally worth having, just deal with the fine.
On second thought… maybe just restore the furniture to how it was.
Motor vehicles (motorcycles, mopeds, etc): Store in your dorm’s bike room or lend it to the biker clan that hangs out on Thayer (though don’t expect to get it back).
Pets: If enough people need to hide their pets at one time, we could definitely stage an impromptu Heavy Petting. Or you could always bribe your dog-walker to take a few extra laps around the East side.
Platforms, partitions, and walls: Paint your partition an off-white color. Chip off some of the paint and give it some thumbtack holes. No one will be able to tell the difference from an actual wall.
Smoking: You have options with this one. You can either wait in your dorm during the designated search times and offer to smoke with the employee who is investigating your room, or you could take the safer/less-time-consuming route and store your stuff in a mason jar.
Space heaters: Hide these anywhere near the old-school, definitely-evil, fire-spitting radiator in your dorm. If ResLife doesn’t see the radiator as hazardous, they probably won’t notice the space heater either.
Waterbeds: Hide these under your sheets, or perhaps your canopies/tapestries if you have them. If anyone from ResLife questions you for having a waterbed, get visibly weirded out. How could they have figured this out without actually laying on the bed themselves? Yeah, now try to charge me a fine.