My mother always told me if you’re going to insult someone, you have to begin and finish with a compliment. With that in mind: Jeans, thank you for being one of the most dependable articles of clothing in my closet and in my heart. Except for that one time you were bedazzled and that extended period of time you were “flared cut,” you’ve always had my best interest in mind… But it’s time we talked about the soggy elephant in the room. It’s no secret that sandals in the snow earns #1 worst clothing/weather combo, but when it comes to rain, Jeans, it’s time for you to get it together.
I’m from New England; we’ve been through this before, but it’s different now that I have to walk across campus. Don’t tell me it’s my fault for not wearing rain pants, this isn’t BOLT and you know that. If you’re going to be the least water-resistant fabric known to mankind, at least learn to expedite the drying process. Sitting through a two and a half hour seminar is trying enough, but compounded with wet denim? Cruel. And while we’re talking about drying, maybe you could refrain from feeling the need to shrink yourself two sizes while I’m wearing you. I can’t keep squirming around in class as you form the world’s most uncomfortable second skin.
At the very least take a page from Yoga Pants’ book; they don’t get two-toned in the rain and they don’t make it obvious that nature has doused me. When makeup is running down my face and my backpack and its contents are soaked, I need all the help I can get.
I get that you started off in California, where (I hear) it never rains. Welcome to The Ocean State, together we must evolve to accept the dampness. And since it is the Ocean State, and not even Al Roker could predict what the weather is going to do, I will not carry an umbrella with me wherever I go. It’s too cumbersome, and don’t act like I’m not already meeting you half way. If my rain boots were any taller, I could functionally use them as pockets. If my rain jacket were any longer, I would look like Inspector Gadget. Throw me a bone, Jeans.
Alright, true to my word, you’ve earned another compliment. Jeans, your transition from daytime to nighttime wear is flawless. Congrats. Now figure it out before I do something drastic, like pleather.