Clubs we NEED at Brown

Yeah, everyone gets it, we are hipster chic, trendy, and douchey, so our clubs should embody whats makes Brown Brown. There is the Anime Society, the Aerial Arts Society, the Swan Ballet Club, the Bulgarian Club, the Brown Noser, BlogDailyHerald (Pulitzer Prize-winning I may add…pending further review), the Brown Daily Herald, and so many others. Luckily, just like my fat cousin always says, “there is always room for more.”

Because my GPA already sucks, I have spent the last 36 minutes of my FYS drafting the ultimate list of clubs that I don’t want but that I NEED on campus A$AP. And. Here. We. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

The Model UN Hecklers

This is just like Model UN, but instead of participating in a UN-inspired, student run forum, in this club we heckle and and prank those involved in Model UN. This is not an attack on Model UN; they’re great. Rather, this is me airing out some personal issues from high school due to a particularly competitive and arrogant Model UN squad that loved to talk about Model UN, the dances and how many guys/girls with braces they made out with. In high school there was nothing I wanted to do more than to let off a stink bomb, kidnap a Ecuadorian delegate, turn on the lights at one of the dances, or just streak through one of their “worldly and important” meetings. So why not do it now?!?! This club would heckle and mess with the Brown Model UN group as well any high school Model UN’ers who come to campus.

Intramural Sleeping

Sleeping in college, so hot right now. Who on campus is not constantly tired? If you just answered in your head “I’m not tired, Hank,” then I hate your guts and you are probably a liar. When I am on campus, I am either sleeping, talking about how much I want to be sleeping, or in the gym working out (HA jokes! The most weight I have lifted here was putting my gym bag on top of my dresser because it was in the way of my mini-fridge). What better way to catch up on some guilt-free, much needed sleep than have it be club sanctioned?

The Back Shavers Club

This is sadly self explanatory (and much needed…)

k and s

The Cleaning Service Club

I am scared about posting this because it is such good idea that I do not want people stealing this billion dollar club…but YOBASCO (You only blog about something cool once). The club concept is simple: you join and you and the other members rotate cleaning each others rooms. Once there are enough members, you don’t have to clean every room, but rather only one or two a week. It is a great way of keeping you and your friends living and sleeping nooks clean and tidy, while also having your own nooks cleaned. Teamwork + cleanliness…win-win! The most genius part of it is that as the founding member, I make the rules of the club and the rules clearly state that the founder does not have to clean anyone else’s room, and the founder’s room is cleaned twice a week! Boom, you just got founder’ed.

The 5 Star Hotel Reviewers Club

“Hank, can you really have anymore great club ideas after all of those gems above?”

“Yes, I am chock-full of ideas. Don’t ever doubt me again. Also, call me Frank.”

“Sorry, Frank.”

The point of this club is to travel to exotic and beautiful places around the world, stay in the best hotels and resorts, and eat the best foods for free. This may sound ridiculous and impossible (which it is, but just shut up and enjoy). The basis of this club is to live the life of the ridiculously rich and lavish, but do it all for free, but the real purpose is to travel the world and perfect the skills of a high class travel and food reviewer. The pitch to Brown administration: yes, we have a $10 million deficit and you are going to have to spend a lot of money funding this club, but think about the lives you can enrich and change, while also teaching the young and impressionable minds so much about the world of high class critique. Wow, what a pitch. I would fund the club if the only money to my name wasn’t 14 meal credits (seriously, I am accepting donations in the form of cash, check, points, or Trident Layers gum).

fat guy on beach

The Haruki Dumpster Club

Love sushi? Hate paying for it? Willing to dress up with your friends like a dumpster for free sushi? Well this is the perfect club for you! Stand outside Haruki Express right after closing, dress like a dumpster to blend in, and wait for the staff to throw out the left over maki, nigiri, edamame, dumplings, sashimi, and all of your Haruki favorites. The point of this club is not just free sushi but also to perfect the art of disguise. Get fatter and get stealthier all for free? Sign me up!

dumpster eating

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