SNL’s Stefon’s guide to Thanksgiving!

There are plenty of things to be thankful for this holiday season. We can be thankful for points, teachers canceling class, Blue Room muffins, study rooms in the Rock, BlogDailyHerald (shameless self-promotion), seasonal facial hair, peppermint mochas, holiday cheer, home cooked meals, hockey players, and most importantly…STEFON’S RETURN TO BLOGDH. SNL’s Stefon (or me pretending to be Stefon) is back to give you a heads up about all the hottest parties and gatherings that you must attend over Thanksgiving break. Don’t call it a comeback, because Stefon never went anywhere. Cue the music, plug in the disco ball, turn off the lights, and embrace Stefon as he (me) drops some serious holiday knowledge.

The hottest spot this Thanksgiving is…your grandma’s house. This spot has everything: passive-aggressive comments about your lack of significant other, a woman asking “what is Brown again?”, your weird uncle asking if you are gay yet (I AM NOT GAY UNCLE RICKY), that random person who always shows up with an already half-empty bottle of wine, the smell of moth balls, your great-grandfather’s war rifle named “old lucky,” and water-drowned food so everyone at the table can chew it. It is a great time, especially if you are looking for a place to butcher saying grace in front of your religious grandma who doesn’t remember that you still can’t do it right: “Bless us…uh…like…O Lord…and for like these uh your dope gifts and whatever, which we are like gonna receive from your…bosom, I mean bounty, hahaha lol. Through you, Jesus guy, our Lord, amen dude.”

The hottest spot this Thanksgiving is…your local underage bar. What better way of setting the tone for a holiday about giving thanks than puking in the back of bar. You, your friends, and your fake ID’s that all say you are 28 and are from North Dakota must head down to grab a drink like adults do! This bar has everything: a pervy bouncer who makes every girl kiss him on the cheek, a kid who looks like Charlie Sturr, a bartender who hates his life, bar mitzvah music, your mom texting you “where are you?,” those kids from your high school who you HATE so much but with whom you pretend to be best friends, that one girl who takes a selfie with everyone, and the smell of Bud Light and sadness. Do not miss out!

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The hottest spot this Thanksgiving is…staying on campus. Live too far away, or your parents don’t love you? It is ok. Stay on campus. There are so many fun things to do on or around Brown this holiday season. Look out for a lukewarm dinner at the Ratty where they are serving bologna disguised as turkey. Roommate is away and you are worried about feeling lonely? No problem, just hang with the mouse who lives in your room. There will be football on the quad, puking in Keeney, and kids crying in the SciLi. Missing family traditions? Understandable, but don’t fret. Make a ton of new traditions this Thanksgiving. Find, steal, kill and cook a turkey in your dorm’s kitchen. If you cannot find a turkey then just settle for pigeons or squirrels that lurk around Wriston. Pigeons and squirrels taste like napkins, which taste like turkey, so it’s all good. Looking for another tradition? Well look no further, Stefon has your back. Instead of dressing up for Thanksgiving dinner in a suit and tie, wear nothing. Since SexPowerGod didn’t happen this year, make it happen in your dorm’s lounge with your awkward unit-mates and RPL’s! It will be just like an episode of Naked and Afraid, expect it will be more like Naked and Afraid and Full.

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The hottest spot this Thanksgiving is…Chipotle. Hank Stefon why on earth would I go to Chipotle on Thanksgiving? Uh…because Chipotle rocks and you are a basic betch. BOOM, Stefon’d! Splurge and pay that extra money for guacamole, because the Puritans would have done the same. Become friends with the Chipotle staff and celebrate the holiday like the Puritans and Native Americans did: in harmony (just don’t give them diseases and kill them later!).

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The hottest spot this Thanksgiving is…a family football game. Nothing screams fun like a mandatory family football game with your competitive siblings and that one cousin who “almost played D1, bro, until I blew out my ACL and MCL at the same damn time.” When you were young, your dad likely had dreams of you becoming a football star, and this game serves as a painful reminder that you always preferred watching Dakota Fanning to Peyton Manning. The game always starts as two-hand touch but ends with your little brother (who always wears cleats and face-black) hitting you from behind with a late hit. Lucky for everyone, the fights and arguments that start during the game continue all the way through dinner!

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The hottest spot this Thanksgiving is…Black Friday. Missed the running of the bulls this year? Fear not, for I have the solution! Wait in line in the cold for hours in hopes of saving some bucks on a new flatscreen or blender that can blend anything. This is a commercial world and you need to own everything! Tell your family you are bouncing, ditch the dinner, and head right over to your local Walmart or Best Buy. There are plenty of fun things to expect while waiting in line, like the high chance of getting stabbed by an angsty soccer mom “who fucking wants to get her son a PS4,” the cold, and dumpster fires!

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Happy Thanksgiving!

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