Well, it’s finally Thanksgiving…
I’m thankful for my amazing, supportive and hilarious family. I’m thankful for Bagel Gourmet Olé’s Chicken Nachos, my favorite Sunday morning hangover food. But most of all, I’m thankful for this NBA season.
This Thanksgiving week, get excited for the times when you can plop down in front of the TV, loosen your belt buckle, and watch amazing basketball games while your vaguely racist uncle spouts questionable phrases like “Does this TV have a brightness setting? I can’t see the players.”
Here are the games you should absolutely watch this week.
Wednesday, November 26: Thanksgiving Eve
Washington Wizards at Cleveland Cavaliers—7:00 PM
If you haven’t watched any games this season yet, this game is probably a pretty solid place to start your 2014-2015 season education. You will hear the announcers discussing a boatload of topics, but the only one you need to think about right now is: WHEN WILL THE CAVALIERS BE GOOD? Dude, seriously. They honestly suck serious balls to watch: their defense is atrocious, their offense is nowhere near the level it should be, and they are one Varejão injury away from resembling a colander trying to stop water from getting through. LeBron can still take over games, but 6-7 after 13 games isn’t where anyone expected or wanted this team to be. Here’s to hoping they start ripping off wins.
Score Prognostication—Wizards: 95, Cavs: 92. One audience learning how to dougie.
Memphis Grizzlies at Los Angeles Lakers—10:30 PM
Wednesday’s late-night game takes the Timberlake-owned Memphis team and pits them against Kobe’s Lakers. The Black Mamba, no relation to Beatrix Kiddo, is on pace to set the possession usage record that he already holds. The real reason to watch this game is to see him take 30 shots, and if it’s a good day, he’ll make 18 of them. If it’s a bad day, the red-hot Grizzlies are winning by 40.
Score Prognostication—Grizz: 84, Lakers: 80. Kobe gets 47 of LA’s 80.
Thursday, November 27: Thanksgiving Day
Decreed by the Sports Gods:
Thou shalt not play basketball on Thanksgiving Thursday. This 24-hour-epoch is strictly for football, and thus, thou shalt deprive fans and non-fans alike of watching the NB of A on Thanksgiving Thursday. Amen.
Friday, November 28: Black Friday/Diet Friday
Golden State Warriors at Charlotte Hornets—7:00 PM
Golden State already blew out the 4-11 Hornets on 11/11, but the real reason I chose this game as one to watch was the following video.
HE HIT HIMSELF IN THE FACE TO DRAW THE FOUL. Say what you want about Harden and Wade flopping, or how often soccer players take dives, but Lance should be eligible for an Oscar, BAFTA, Golden Globe, Primetime Emmy, Kid’s Choice Award, Pulitzer Prize, and Presidential Medal of Freedom for his incredible performance.
Someone else might have been able to draw the foul without hitting himself, but not our boy Lance Stephenson. His commitment to the craft is so unwavering that only DeNiro/Day-Lewis-esque method acting would work in this situation. Applaud his efforts, and his insanity.
The aforementioned sports gods have declared that no game starring Lance shall ever lack excitement.
Score Prognostication—GSW: 120, Charlotte: 92. This game will be a blowout.
New York Knicks at Oklahoma City Thunder—8:00 PM
My sad New York Knicks are playing the OKC Thunder on Friday and I, for one, am thankful that Durant and Westbrook are still out for this game. Another story to look at will be the fact that Derek Fisher, now coach of the Knicks, could have been starting for this OKC team had he not chosen to retire. That being said, neither of these teams are particularly good or exciting, so if you have to skip a game on this list, choose this one.
Score Prognostication—Knicks: 90, OKC: 88. And three untied shoes.
Sacramento Kings at San Antonio Spurs—8:30 PM
Sacramento is actually good. Like, could-definitely-make-the-playoffs good. Likewise, the Spurs are good, maybe even championship-repeat good. Sacramento already won their first matchup behind MVP-candidate and rebound leader Boogie Cousins’ 25 and 10. But, the Spurs are probably going to have revenge. The real contest here is between the Spurs hilarious Greek Yogurt commercials and the Kings’ ugly Christmas sweater photoshoot.
Score Prognostication—Spurs: 102, Kings: 98. And Stauskas with cats.
Saturday, November 29: Leftovers Saturday
Dallas Mavericks at Philadelphia 76ers—7:00 PM
On 11/13, the final score stood Philly 70, Dallas 123. For those of you who opted out of subtraction, that’s 53 points. Fifty-three motherf*cking points. To put that into perspective, Barack Obama is 53 years old.
Anyway, tune in if your parents blocked Showtime and you want to see a team get f*cked in primetime.
Score Prognostication—Dallas: A lot. Philly: A little.