The Hat Manifesto

People often ask me, “Why do you wear that hat?” The hat (which I intend to wear throughout winter) has two large faux-fur ear flaps, a broad brow, lined with fake fur, and a strap (think: bike helmets) to firmly attach it to your head. And now that I’ve tried to describe it in prose I figured I’d include a photo and make this first paragraph useless:

Technically know as an Ushanka

Technically known as an Ushanka

While this hat is apparently the de facto headgear in colder parts of the globe, I’ve gotten some strange looks (and the occasional whispered jibes) sent my way in Providence. But I have also noted similarly attired students around campus. Earlier this month, I had an epiphany – a silent war is raging on campus between the hatters and the hatless, and it seems like the hatters are losing. This is probably all on in my head, but I simply cannot let this matter go unaddressed. Wearing a funny shaped hat is not just an aesthetic choice, it’s a way of life, a better way of life. What follows is a plea for the hatless masses to reconsider their ways. Presenting The Hat Manifesto.

The Hat Manifesto   

Too long my friends, for far too long, we have been cold. For too long we have allowed the biting winds to turn our ears blue, to ruin our hairstyles with impunity and to make tiny icicles grow from our noses. For too long we have put other people’s silly aesthetic prejudices before our own comfort. But now the time has come to end this era of frozen discomfort. I want you to step out, right now, and run to the nearest clothing store and buy an ushanka (or as I think of it – a funny shaped hat). Wait, are you still here? Still not convinced? I ask you, do you want your ears warm and fuzzy or do you want them shivering and twitching like the dismembered wings of a butterfly? Do you want your hair to be so windblown that it looks like an avant-garde fashion experiment gone wrong? Do you want your face to turn blue? But these questions are mere rhetoric, I know you don’t want any of those things. I know what you’re really thinking about is what your friends will say. Because, after all, funny shaped hats do make you look like an out-of-place Dr. Seuss character. I say wear them anyways. There’s a shortage of laughter in the world and if your friends don’t love you with your hat they probably don’t really love you anyway (empirically tested). So go, run, and end your hapless hatless existence. You’ll only be happier (and hattier).

Image via Tushar Bhargava ’17. 

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