What makes a classic text “a classic”? In my indisputable, expert opinion it’s when a piece of writing so perfectly encapsulates a feeling that was previously thought to be indescribable. Speaking as a Jew, I can say that “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” is a classic because it is able to instill the feeling of what it is like to be a child on Christmas Eve. Inspired by this work, I have also attempted the impossible with what will soon be declared a classic, no doubt. Behold “‘Twas the Week Before Finals.“
’Twas the week before finals, and all through the school,
All the students were freezing, for the SciLi was cool;
The notes were lined up on the laptop with care,
But so was Facebook, so you know they’ll look there.
The children were nestled, all snug in their beds;
But you’re not a child, and you feel almost dead;
Health Services says eat well and sleep tight,
But an Oreo and an Aderall also feels right.
The Naked Donut Run is said and done,
So you’ve nothing to dream of till holidays come.
Your friends, they are leaving and saying goodbye;
So you study alone, and then just get high.
You should have taken that class S/NC,
Relax, you over-achiever, you’ll still get a B.
“I won’t get a job, I won’t do my best!”
Relax, you monster: It’s only a test.
Your home friends take selfies and post them online,
Stop looking and study and you’ll be just fine;
My god, get off Buzzfeed or you’re going to fail,
Stop procrastinating by checking your mail!
You call your parents and tell them your fears,
But they can’t understand you through all the tears.
You think, “CS was stupid” as you see the sunrise,
“Why engineering!?” you moan over Jo’s fries.
Reading period’s a joke, just manage your time…
Drop the tequila! Put down the lime!
“Potlucks and sleigh bells, tis a season of joy”,
You think while you polish off your last Chips Ahoy.
That kid set up a tent, he’ll be here for a while,
Put on your coat, sleep in the Rock isn’t your style.
That was a mistake, it’s freezing, your nose turns red,
You’re like Saint Nick, minus cookies, plus dread.
Check your privilege! Are you kidding me?
Do you know how great a place this is to be?
The test will be over, the paper soon done;
You’ll be home soon, with maybe a day just for fun.
Watch Elf, have sex, drink eggnog a lot;
Make brownies for grandma and load them with pot.
The candles wink in University Hall through the night;
Happy finals to all, and don’t forget to cite!