*You are a Masshole when: you are from Massachusetts, you would name your first born Tom no matter the gender, your favorite movies are The Departed and The Departed (pronounced Dehpahted), you refer to NYC as that place with giant rats and tight jeans, you have a Bruins logo tattooed on one ass cheek and Celtics logo tattooed on the other, and Matt Damon is your God.
I said it. I believed it. I called it. The Pats were going to win the Super Bowl. I predicted the Pats to win 100-0, which was obviously ridiculous, but us Massholes have no shame and no humility, so you really can’t blame me for such an outlandish claim. In actuality, I’m not surprised it was such a close game. The Seahawks are a fantastic team, with a scary defense and a powerhouse running game. They dominated the Super Bowl stage last year and emasculated Peyton Manning and his lack of chin (I hate you Peyton, I hate you so much you thumb-looking chump). Yet, no matter how good the Seahawks were, the Patriots bundled them in front of a billion people. Before I finish bragging, there are a lot of questions and distractions leading up to the Super Bowl that I want to quickly address.
Q: Did they deflate the balls?
A: No, what a stupid rumor. Anyone who believes this is an egg head. EGG HEAD! I have never believed in anything more than the proper firmness of Brady’s balls (footballs, jeez–get your head out of the gutter).
Q: Why doesn’t Marshawn Lynch talk to the media?
A: Who cares!!!!! He is the best running back in football. When you can run through a wall ten times a game then you can not talk to the media. Until then, SHUT UP!
Q: What was Katy Perry going to do during the halftime show?
A: Obviously there was going to be a lion!! Any Katy Perry fanboy could see that coming from a mile away. Also, if you don’t think I had to change my underwear after she sang “Roar,” you don’t know me.
Q: Is Rodger Goodell the biggest idiot on the planet?
Q: Is Belichick a direct descendant from Satan?
A: Obviously, but there is no other evil genius in the world I would want to lead me into Battle. In Bill we trust! Also I heard he actually lives in Hell in the offseason (Nantucket).
It seemed everyone thought that Seahawks were poised to repeat, but all that hate, all that doubt just fired me up as a fan. I LOVED IT! Hearing all the chumps with scrambled eggs for brains on the NFL Network claim that Pete Carroll is a better coach than Belichick, Russell Wilson is superior to Tom Brady, and Gronkowski doesn’t deserve an MVP vote: ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Trent Difler claimed this year that Patriots were doomed as a team after a tough week-4 loss. HEY TRENT YOU WON A SUPER BOWL BECAUSE RAY LEWIS GOT AWAY WITH MURDER, YOU CHUMP. Even during the game, all of my “friends” who I was watching with were rooting for the Seahawks because “the Seahawks are the good guys,” and “Brady is overrated.” HA! I LAUGH AT YOUR PAIN, PATRIOT HATERS! The Pats won because they were the better team, the smarter team, the tougher team. Tom, Gronk, Edelman, Revis, Collins and Wilfork put all of New England on their backs and STOMPED THE SEAHAWKS OUT ON THE BIGGEST STAGE.
Lastly, I am sure there are a lot of Giants fans on campus (considering basically everyone who goes to Brown is from New York, or Jersey and pretending to be from New York…) who are going to bring up the last two Super Bowls. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I haven’t forgotten. You got lucky and snuck out two bogus victories. Congrats. Seriously, congrats. You got two. Two. Just two. Your team is basically a gluten free, Soul Cycle loving, garbage fire right now.
Just remember: 4 > 2.
P.S. Eli Manning 100% showers in a swim shirt.
PATRIOTS! PATRIOTS! PATRIOTS! NUMBER 1!