A Single’s Guide To Valentine’s Week

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Another year, another twelve months of emotionally detached partners and terrible dates and random makeouts in public parks at 1 a.m. because your roommates won’t let you bring in strangers you met on Grindr anymore.

Now, the big 14th day of the shortest month of year is approaching, and CVS is one big clusterfuck of pink and red and bears and chocolates. I’m perfectly bitter fine with being single on Valentine’s Day! If you are, welcome to the club! If you’re in a relationship, think about whether you want to marry the person you’re with because we’re at an age where that is highly plausible (like raising kids and attending funerals with them type of commitment)!

V-Day can be pretty depressing for us single phes. Here’s a guide to avoid that this week.

Get off the grid.

I’m not talking about going to the extremes like cutting up your credit cards and moving to a rural town in Wisconsin without cellular service. Just turn off Facebook for a week so you won’t have to see posts gushing about how someone can’t believe they’ve found The One in a sea of 6,000 undergraduates! What a selection pool!

Delete Instagram. You don’t need to know that a couple has chosen to stay in and watch Netflix as their Valentine’s Day date because you’re already doing that! But, alone!

I recommend keeping Venmo to see which couples go dutch on their dates and then start a betting pool with your single friends to see how long they’ll last. Then post your winnings on Venmo.

Take a day trip on your own!

You don’t have to go to New York or Boston. It can be as simple as a walk up Hope Street!

I suggest stopping by Seven Stars Bakery and reading television writer Kristin Newman’s book “What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding.” A single thirtysomething, Newman traveled the world during TV hiatuses and hooked up with Russian bartenders and Latin priests.

Take time and explore another city–or Providence for that matter–without having to bother holding someone’s sweaty hands in this ridiculous and never ending cold weather.

Fake a relationship.

Order yourself the largest damn bouquet of flowers. Proceed to make a huge scene at JWW and act like it’s a wedding proposal. Make other people envious of this love that you’re giving yourself, and make sure to fake a phone call to this mystery person to really sell the act.

When your friends start questioning, simply say you haven’t talked about it because you didn’t want to jinx things and since Mercury has been in retrograde. Mystery Person goes to a different school in a different country. Every one loves a foreign love romance!

How did you meet? Oh, they were just sitting next to you on your flight home, and it was basically a subplot of the terribly adored Love Actually. Make sure you tell everyone you broke up the next day on the 15th (long distance is the wrong distance), and then you’re single and ready to mingle!

Drink like it’s Spring Week!

Self explanatory.

Choose another holiday to get really into.

Wait, what’s this “Valentine’s Day” that everyone is speaking of? I thought the main holiday this month was Presidents Day, which is why we’re getting the day off!

Make sure to write gushing posts about your favorite president (John F. Kennedy, for me. Have you seen his beautiful hair?). Forget the red and pink, it’s all red, white, and blue for February 16th!

Focus all efforts on:

Tinder. Grindr. OkCupid. eHarmony. JSwipe. Hinge. Real life interaction. Maybe next year you can be super annoying with a significant other!

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